A Practical, Biblical Perspective on Sex and Marriage

A Practical, Biblical Perspective on Sex and Marriage



In today’s hedonistic society, a proper understanding of sex and marriage is one of the most confusing subjects effecting our society today. The Bible is just as relevant today, as it has always been, for answers pertaining to a proper view and attitude about human sexuality and the institute of marriage. I have encountered questions about this subject matter more than any other. Great confusion is widespread and many, both Christian and non-believer alike, are sincerely seeking answers as to what is acceptable sexual activity within the context of marriage.

First, it must be understood that the Bible is God’s instruction book that is the standard against which all contradicting thoughts and philosophies must be weighed. Every moral issue must be weighed in the light of the Scriptures as to what is right and what is wrong, especially in the life of the believer. For the non-believer, it is their standard as well, but generally the non-believer will seek after their own understanding and philosophy instead and reject what is clearly introduced in the Bible as the instructions for a well adjusted and happy marriage. This is understandable and it should not be expected of them to follow something in which they do not believe.

With that in mind, the guides that the Bible offers are intended for those who are born again by the Spirit of God and therefore can understand marriage and sex within the context of the Bible as their guide. For those who may be unequally yoked, the first step is for your spouse to come into the knowledge of the saving grace of God and be born again by the Spirit of God before sex and marriage can be fully realized for what God had intended it to be. But take heart. Whether you became unequally yoked through your own conversion during the time you were married to your present spouse, or if you made a mistake and were a believer who married a non-believer, it is my desire that this sermon will help in bringing your non-believing spouse into a personal relationship with Jesus. It is also my desire to help married couples who are both believers to have their marriage grow deeper into what God had intended for it to be as well. I believe a full
understanding of the value God places on human sexuality and marriage is contained in His written Word, and it far surpasses anything the world has to offer in both enjoyment and happiness.

I am not concerned with those who may disagree with my opinion, for it is only their opinion that I must disagree with. Also because I believe the views I will express are strictly from a biblical viewpoint, so the disagreements we may have can only come from their own interpretations of specific verses. I am of the mind that God’s written Word alone can fully offer the correct answers to all the problems of life, which include questions about human sexuality and marriage. I believe this because, for example, if we are having a problem with a car not running properly, we don’t go to a dentist for the solution. We go to one who knows best and that would be a mechanic. It is the same way when dealing with human needs, desires and emotions. We go to the One who knows best. Who better to have the solutions to what He created than the One who created us?

GOD’S VIEW ON HUMAN SEXUALITY


The subject of human sexuality perks up the ears of anyone who has blood flowing through their veins, and one must ask the question as to why. The answer is rather simple, because God created us as sexual beings, and this is a normal and natural desire for anyone who was not born with the gift of celibacy, which is truly a very small number. (How many of us have encountered such a person throughout their life?) Those of us who were not born with this gift probably have just as hard of a time understanding how someone could not be interested in sexuality as those who do have the gift wonder why all the fuss. They, of course, don’t have the problems which can occur for those of us who do not have the gift of celibacy.

Without getting into all of the theological debates, I for one believe that the Apostle Paul was of this number, if not born this way, became a genuine celibate after his Damascus road experience. (Please don’t be confused by this. I do not believe that this is a model for all who have been born again to follow.) One good argument that he was not born celibate is the fact that Paul was a Pharisee, and in that time of history, a Pharisee could not be a single man because he was expected to conceive children for future generations. Although the Bible never specifically mentions that he had a wife or children, I believe he was married. Whether she choose to leave him or if she died, it is not important for the discussion of this subject. What is important is the fact that the overwhelming vast majority of us were born with sexual desires that need to be met.

How we view sexuality will effect each and everyone of us throughout our lives if not given the proper view about human sexuality from the Grand Designer who created us as sexual beings. For the believer, a denial that we are sexual beings will lead to all sorts of suppressed desires which in turn will cause a lifetime of frustration and unhappiness, which God does not desire for his children.

Another problem which can occur is that the lines which one must not cross over can become blurred. This causes guilt and confusion which can drive us further from God because there is a constant battle between our desires and what we may perceive as being wrong in God’s eyes, forcing us often to be angry with God and question why He created us as sexual beings because at times it only seems to add to the problems of life. This can be especially true for the believer who has a non-believing spouse because the non-believer is being constantly conditioned by the world around them to believe that the only way to enjoy sexuality is to completely abandon any idea that God created us as sexual beings (or that there even is a God at all). In their mind, the only way to enjoy sexuality is to completely abandon all guides and follow after what the world says will bring fulfillment to these desires according to their own understanding. (This is the philosophy of
sensualism that is permeating our society today: do whatever with whomever wherever; if it feels good, just do it.)

So, what is the answer to this dilemma? I believe it all stems from the wrong view of how God created us as sexual beings and the answer begins with the right view which needs to be explained for both the non-believer as well as the believer to fully understand what is acceptable and what is not.

* First of all, God created man and woman, in other words, the two sexes perfectly designed for one another, and God placed the desire for one another in them on purpose. (Gen. 1:27-28, 31; Gen. 5:1-2; Matt. 19:4)
* Secondly, the main PURPOSE is for procreation of mankind (as is the design of all the creatures He created both male and female). (Gen. 1:21-25)
* Thirdly, He wanted to assure that His INTENT would be followed through, and He did a very good job of assuring that would happen. (I don’t think I will get too many disagreements on this statement.)

Then, to assure His INTENT would be followed out, He made two decisions, one for the animal kingdom and one for mankind. For the animal kingdom, He placed the instinct of mating which would occur only after the female came into heat and the male would respond accordingly to how he is programmed by the Grand Designer. However, for mankind it was special. God made the act of reproduction to be a pleasurable experience. (Gen. 18:12, Prov. 5:19, Song of Solomon)

If it were not God’s intent for us to find the sexual experience pleasurable, then He would have created us as He did the animal kingdom. Given the two choices, which do you think we would prefer? Also, imagine the added problems that would have been caused throughout the history of mankind and in our present society if we were created in the same manner as the animal kingdom. (By the way, so much for evolution by the mere fact of this alone.) Who of you would like to share your sweetheart, fiancé(e) or spouse with every tomcat and feline in the neighborhood? We are being told today that acting like felines and tomcats is the ultimate fulfillment of our sexual desires. If this were true, then we would see societies that follow this becoming happier and happier, but what you and I see today is that we as a society are becoming less and less happy and content the more we cross the line into what the world tells us will bring us more happiness
(hedonism).

In discussing this matter of sexuality from a Christian perspective, usually the immediate response or thought of what that means is, “Oh boy, there goes all the fun and pleasure.” I totally disagree. Many can disagree with me on this matter, but I believe it requires a frank and honest discussion from what I believe is truly a biblical perspective.

God condemns only the wrong use of His intent and purpose of sexuality, and nothing else. What then is the wrong purpose and intent? From what I spoke of previously, God created us as sexual beings with the INTENT of pleasure and for the PURPOSE of procreation as man and wife for a strong and happy family to raise our children in a good and loving environment. Today, what is classified as a family unit is constantly being challenged, and it really doesn’t matter how strong of an argument they would try and put forth as being a better way of life, I reject their claims simply by the fact that it does not line up with the reality of what you and I see and experience each and every day. On this matter, I do not see it being necessary to discuss all of the other views which go against what I’ve already said. Reality speaks for itself. IF IT IS SEXUAL ACTIVITY WHICH IS NOT BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN IN THE CONFINES OF MARRIAGE, IT IS WRONG AND GOD CONDEMNS
IT. If any other questions come to mind that do not fit that description, there is no other answer. Although I know that I probably made many people mad at this point, please allow me to continue. I believe you will be delighted if you stick it out to the finish and you won’t be quite so offended.


SEXUAL ACTIVITY AND THE MARRIAGE BED

If you were to ask now, “What sexual expressions are acceptable and which are not acceptable in the marriage bed?”, I’d say to you that whatever you believe to be acceptable and not acceptable, God has no restrictions and you are to judge that for yourselves (Heb. 13:4). God gives great latitudes in that regard, and leaves it up to you to determine. He gave each and everyone of us desires that we may express in the marriage bed which, in His eyes, is pure and holy. I am sure that at this point many will accuse me of over simplification, but I don’t believe so. It is only complicated if you wish for it to be more so than that.

You may ask me to express my own views of what is and what is not acceptable in the marriage bed, but what I would tell you would merely be my own views which might or might not be the same standards of acceptability as yours. Would I be wrong? Or would you be wrong? I believe the Bible is silent regarding acceptability in the marriage bed. I believe that it is something that must be agreed upon by a husband and wife and must fit their own standards of acceptability. When the Bible doesn’t speak on a subject, one must be very careful not to put words in God’s mouth about that particular subject. I am of the opinion that whatever goes on between a man and a woman in the marriage bed is entirely between them and God and what they themselves determine is right and wrong. Let God judge that. As for you, you would be wise not to impose your beliefs upon someone else’s marriage bed when God has called it holy and pure. You and I are not the judge of it,
other than what has already been mentioned above as what constitutes God’s intent and purpose for human sexuality and marriage.

HOW DID GOD INTEND FOR MARRIAGE TO BE?

Before I begin to address that, it must first be understood that there are no perfect marriages simply for the fact that there are no perfect people. Of course, some like to think of themselves as being the perfect mate and insist that if their mate would just get in line, they would have a perfect marriage. But we are talking reality here, so we can dismiss that right from the beginning without taking away any more time from the subject at hand. For those who may still be sitting there with a little smugness, I have this to say to you. If you expect perfection from your mate, then you yourself had better be ready to be perfect also. No marriage will ever be perfect, but it is a goal that one must ever try to obtain as much as it is within your power to do so. If each mate will spend more time trying to change themselves rather than their mates, the problems will be resolved much more rapidly without all of the accusations, finger-pointing and
fault-finding, because we can all do that with anybody if we try hard enough.

Click here for Part 2 of this article: Okay, Ladies, You're First

Click here for Part 3 of this article: Wipe the Grins Off Your Faces, Men! You're Next!
Okay, Ladies, You're First



First, I will address the women, but men, don’t get too comfortable and look at your wives with the look of satisfaction or the “See? I told you so,” look, because your turn comes next. Just keep in mind, whatever you mete out, will be meted back out to you.

Ladies, your husband is to be the desire of your heart -- you are to love him with all of your being. Honor his position as head of the home, a position in which God has placed him. (I am not concerned with the new thoughts coming out today that scoff at this statement. I am not a politically correct pastor. I prefer to be thought of as a biblically correct pastor and I am not one bit concerned with pleasing man, but rather God.)

I am sure that most, if not all, have heard many sermons about this subject and have heard all of the scripture references about how a wife should treat her husband. I will continue that same theme, but I hope in an entirely different way that you may not have heard it before that will make an impact on you and your marriage. From here on out, I am going to speak to you from the heart to heart, mincing no words and not trying to sound spiritual -- just plain talk.

Girls, do you want to be the apple of your husband’s eye and to know that you are the most important woman in his life? Do you want a husband who loves you and will ravish you (and I use this term in the most positive of ways)? Do you want a husband who will honor you as his wife and mother of his children? Do you want a man who will be your provider and defender in whose arms you can feel safe and secure? If you say no to any of these questions, you are truly in a state of extreme denial and are going against the way God created you. Either that, or you are already dead. I don’t care what the world has been trying to tell you or how it has tried to condition the minds of you ladies to think differently in today’s society. The image of the strong woman who is her own person, I believe, is bologna. You are what you are and I am speaking to that little girl in you and you know it. Let me tell you ladies something. The more you try to usurp the
position God has placed your husband in as the head of the home, the more you will push your husband from you and into the arms of another woman. If this happens, do you think you will be guiltless? If he runs to the arms of another woman because he wants to be a tomcat, and you have been trying to fulfill your role of wife and mother to the best of your ability, then that is another story all itself. Then and only then are you not guilty.

Let me ask this of you wives: do you encourage your husband to fill the position of head of the home or do you put him down and criticize everything he is trying to do? If you do that, you are striking at the very root of his makeup as a man and the results will be disastrous both to you and to him. Ladies, the image of the macho tough guy that your husband may be trying to portray is not so. There is that little boy in every big, hairy, tough guy and you can crush his spirit and turn him into a wimp, or you can make him the man that he desires to be to you, and he will certainly grow to be a complete and whole man that will be the fulfillment of the questions that I asked you previously.

If you say, “Not my husband,” then you are right -- he never will be then. I don’t want to hear this stuff, “Well, if you knew my husband, you would understand.” Yes, I might, but only if you have been trying to fulfill your role, then would I understand. If you haven’t been, then you have to rethink your ideas and attitudes. What is it, is it that you desire to be the head of the home instead? If that is so, for what purpose then? Is it so you can say that your husband is not the head of your home? What has been gained by such an attitude? Forget this new age stuff about sharing the role as well. The Bible says nothing about sharing the role as head of the home. You have to get it straight, ladies. If you want a happy and fulfilling marriage, anything short of allowing your husband to fulfill that role will not work and you will continue down that road of unfulfilled desires of your own heart, spiritually, emotionally and physically. What
your husband wants and needs is a woman who loves him when he makes dumb choices, who does not put him down when he does, but encourages him to move forward and lets him know that he is still the man of her life.

It is important that he knows he is a man in your eyes, ladies, even when he doesn’t feel much like a man when he makes mistakes. It’s not hard to do girls, tell him how big and strong he is, even if he isn’t. Tell him how good he makes love to you even if he doesn’t. Tell him how smart he is, even if he isn’t. Tell him how much you appreciate him providing for you, even if he isn’t. Do you think nagging him will change any of these things? Let me ask you, how much of a motivation is it for you when he puts you down for trying to fulfill your role as a wife that he is not pleased with? We are all the same when it comes to that, girls. We all need the support and the assurance of the love of others to be what we desire to be, and that is especially true when it comes to our mates.


Wipe the Grins Off Your Faces, Men! You're Next!



Fellows, do you want a wife who will ravish you with her love when you come home from a long day’s work? Do you want a wife that lets you know that in her eyes, you are her delight and are all of the man you like to think of yourself as being? Do you want a wife that brags you up with her friends and tells them what a great guy you are and how much she admires and respects you? Do you want a wife who says with pride, “Yes, my husband is the head of our home.”? Do you want a wife who is thrilled to be with you and who will do anything you ask of her? Do you want a wife who supports you and will stand behind you and love you in all the situations which come up in life?

Here again, a "no" answer to any of these questions means that the blood has already quit flowing through your veins. Well guys, it doesn’t come without a price. What you decide depends upon your attitude about your wife, the girl who you picked out of all the others to spend your life with. Fellows, let me tell you a secret about women, they need to know that in your eyes, there is no other and that she is the desire of your heart. She needs to know that she is beautiful and attractive and important to you and that you can’t do it without her support (come on fellows, in reality you can’t and you know it, already addressed the ladies about that). This cannot be overemphasized, guys. They are different than us, and really, aren’t you glad? Their emotional makeup is entirely different than ours, fellows.

Today it is not politically correct to distinguish a difference between the sexes, but that is going against the very nature of how God created us. That little girl in them is still there just as that little boy is still in you. God created us in a way that we can never be complete without one another. We are only complete when we are one flesh, man and woman together. They need us to make them complete and we need them to make us complete. It is time to get off the macho high horse and admit it guys. If you try to force your wife to submit to your authority, (by the way it is not your authority, God placed that authority with you to do what is right with that authority) all you’re going to get is a rebellious wife, and I can’t say that I would blame her. How do we guys respond to someone who tries to demand and command us to do something against our will? What makes you think it should be any different with your wife when you do that to her?

Quite frankly, I admire the woman that says, “He thinks I see him as being a king on the throne when in reality I see him as a pauper sitting on the pot.” You can take the throne by force guys, but all you will gain is an unwilling subject caving into your self-imposed power and you will drive her to the arms of another man. Don’t think for one moment that you will be guiltless if that should happen. If it does, it is because you have not fulfilled the proper role that God has called you to fulfill as head of the home. With that role comes responsibilities, and those responsibilities are for the welfare of your wife, not your own fulfillment of being the club and whip ruling over your home. It means supporting your wife financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you should neglect any one of these, you will not be the true king sitting on the throne of your home, the king your wife desires you to be. She will place you there if you
fulfill these responsibilities, and any woman who would not desire that of you has gone against her own nature. Believe me, fellows, she would be more that willing to submit to that authority with gladness in her heart and you would be ravished with her love.

Guys, let her know that she is the desire of your heart. Tell her that. Let her know that in your eyes she is the most beautiful, attractive and desirous woman in your life and that you need her love. If you think that is sissy stuff, then be prepared to have things continue as they are. If you think only a sissy does those things, then why don’t you have the courage to do it? In reality, men, that is what being a real man is all about, having the courage to be a real man and to go against what the world may be telling you what a man is all about. A real man is as gentle as a lamb with his wife and as vicious as a lion when it comes to protecting her against harm. But fellows, don’t let that harm to her come from your own hands, or you will feel the hot breath of the Lion of Judah upon yourself.

One more thing needs to be addressed here to men. I say this mostly to the men even though it will apply to some of the ladies as well, but primarily to the guys. Guys, get rid of all those little girly magazines, porn videos and such. This violates the sanctity of the marriage bed. (Please see our article on the effects of Pornography and A Wife's Letter to Her Husband on Pornography.) If you do what I have spoken to you about today, you won’t need such things. You will be satisfied with the wife of your youth and it will be pure and holy, which will be much more satisfying than anything you could get out of such things like that. You may not realize it right now guys, but those things bring much harm upon yourself and your wife.

She feels that when you ogle and drool over those things that she is being replaced with those things and she is nothing other than the object you are fulfilling those fantasies with, and at those moments, she really isn’t your wife. Be really honest with yourselves on this matter, you know that is true don’t you. You know you would not like for your wife to be fantasizing about some other guy while you were making love to her. How do you expect her to feel any differently about that? That porn stuff cheapens and degrades the purpose God created sexuality for, and He cannot be pleased with such things because porn is self-gratification and takes the intimacy and love being expressed for your wife completely out of the picture and is real close to bringing someone else into your marriage bed and defiling it.

Strange, isn’t it? If you came home and found another man in your bed, I don’t think you would be very pleased about it, yet what is it you are doing when you bring that stuff into your own bed and try to get your wife to look at other men engaging in lust and self gratification like a bunch of tomcats with a feline?

In preparing this article, the Bible says that when a preacher preaches, he is preaching to himself as well, and I have been convicted of several things in here myself. But I am not going to quit trying to obtain that goal that God desires that all marriages should be, and will continue to work in areas that are still lacking in my wife’s and my marriage of 35 years. Even though it will never be perfect, because guess what? Neither I nor my wife have obtained perfection yet either, and we never will until we pass from this life, but that is no excuse to give up and become complacent either.

How Important Is Human Sexuality
and Marriage To God?

Well, important enough to have created us this way and to equate the two as being an example of how Jesus as the Bridegroom is to the Bride (the church of believers) and how the church should respond to the Bridegroom. The entire book of “Song of Solomon” draws this parallel as well does the marriage supper of the Lamb which is the gathering of the Bride to be with the Groom as another great example. In fact the Bible is filled with the same type of parallels. Abraham as the Father and his great love for Sarah is another example. Many more could be cited as well. In fact, the entire Bible beginning from the garden of Eden with the love of Adam and Eve with the conclusion in Revelations with the gathering of the Bride to the Groom. What Satan had attempted to destroy, God has gathered unto Himself by both what a marriage should have been from the beginning, ending with what God has planned for all of mankind at the marriage feast of the Lamb.

God is so good to us, isn’t He!




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