PARENTING

Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Raising God-Fearing Kids! Click to View Click to ViewPlanning For Children Click to ViewThe Bible And Disciplining Of Children Click to ViewThe father who wouldn't discipline his children Click to ViewThings To Avoid Click to ViewThings To Do Click to ViewDifferent Methods Of Disciplining Click to ViewSuggested Procedure For Disciplining Click to ViewParticular Sins To Look Out For Click to ViewBattlegrounds Click to ViewYour Child's Teacher: The Third Parent Click to ViewSpiritual training and influence of example Click to ViewPoem to our children The Parent's Pledge poem: Children are a heritage of the Lord. The fruit of the womb is His reward. A teacher's certificate I do not need. If I ask for wisdom God gives it liberally. To teach our children is not a chore. God's commandments we adore. We'll write His words upon their hearts and never from them will they depart. and when they go through this life, wondering what path to take, if they will do all in the name of the Lord, he will never forsake. The parents of this generation and generations to come will sing praises to the Lord for the great works He has done. And remember each day as we teach His way, God seeks a godly offspring.(By Mary Morr) Introduction A. Parents are entrusted with a soul of great value: Mt 16:26. B. Paradox of parenthood: 1. Dentists, doctors and layers go to school for 7 years; Specialists for 10 years. 2. Parenting is far more important and has little formal training. 3. About the time we have the experience, we are out of business. C. Children will ultimately be responsible for their own eternal destinies; Ezek 18:20. 1. God has ordained that children are to be obedient and respectful:Eph.6:1-3;Col3:20; Prov. 4:1. 2. Children have the responsibility to serve God without any parental help:Eccl 12:1; Ps 119:9-16. 3. Children reap what they sow: Gal.6:7,8; Prov. 4:1-27. 4. Yet, parents will answer for failure to train their children: Eph 6:4. D. The home is testing ground for elders; forms basis of ultimate example: 1 Tim 3:4-5 E. It is possible to guarantee a child will grow up righteous: 1. Train a child when young...old not depart. Prov 22:6 2. Qualification of elder is raise believing children, Qualifications are not by chance. Tit 1:5-6. F. Time is short If child doesn't respect and fear authority by age 2, there are big troubles ahead! A child's basic character is entrenched by age 6. G. Training children involves three things: positive instruction, example and discipline. I. Planning For Children: A. Openly discuss having children with your spouse, even before marriage: 1. Often one spouse can tend to avoid the subject, this is poor communication. B. Having Children will not resolve marital conflict only highten it. C. Wait a period of time after marriage to allow for adjustments: Duet 24:5. D. Are you financially able to provide for a family: 1 Ti 5:8. II. The Bible And Disciplining Of Children: Exercise: Read each verse and fill in the important part of the text in blank space A. General Proverbs About Correction And Reproof: Prov 3:12; Prov 10:17; Prov 12:1; Prov 15:10; Prov 15:12; Prov 15:32; Prov 27:5; Prov 29:1; Prov 20:30; Eccl 7:5; Mt 18:15-17; 1 Cor 4:21; Heb 12:5-13 "For whom the Lord loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights." Proverbs 3:12 "He is on the path of life who heeds instruction, But he who ignores reproof goes astray." Proverbs 10:17 " Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, But he who hates reproof is stupid." Proverbs 12:1 "Grievous punishment is for him who forsakes the way; He who hates reproof will die." Proverbs 15:10 "A scoffer does not love one who reproves him, He will not go to the wise." Proverbs 15:12 "He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding." Proverbs 15:32 "Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed." Proverbs 27:5 " A man who hardens his neck after much reproof Will suddenly be broken beyond remedy." Proverbs 29:1 "Stripes that wound scour away evil, And strokes reach the innermost parts." Proverbs 20:30 "It is better to listen to the rebuke of a wise man Than for one to listen to the song of fools." Ecclesiastes 7:5 " "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." Matthew 18:15-17 "What do you desire? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love and a spirit of gentleness?" 1 Corinthians 4:21 "and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives." It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." Hebrews 12:5-13 B. Proverbs Especially For Parents: Prov 13:24; Prov 19:18; Prov 22:6; Prov 22:15; Prov 23:13-14; Prov 29:15; Prov 29:17; Eph 6:4 "He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Proverbs 13:24 "Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death." Proverbs 19:18 "Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him." Proverbs 22:15 "Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol." Proverbs 23:13-14 "The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother." Proverbs 29:15 "Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul." Proverbs 29:17 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4 C. Proverbs Especially For Children: Prov 1:8-9; Prov 13:1; Prov 15:5; Prov 23:22; Prov 28:7; Prov 30:11; Eccl 12:1; Eph 6:1-4; Col 3:21; 1 Tim 5:4; Deut 21:18-21; Prov 30:17; Lev 20:9; Ex 21:15 " Hear, my son, your father's instruction And do not forsake your mother's teaching; Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head And ornaments about your neck." Proverbs 1:8-9 " A wise son accepts his father's discipline, But a scoffer does not listen to rebuke." Proverbs 13:1 "A fool rejects his father's discipline, But he who regards reproof is sensible." Proverbs 15:5 "Listen to your father who begot you, And do not despise your mother when she is old." Proverbs 23:22 "He who keeps the law is a discerning son, But he who is a companion of gluttons humiliates his father." Proverbs 28:7 "There is a kind of man who curses his father And does not bless his mother." Proverbs 30:11 " Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near when you will say, "I have no delight in them";" Ecclesiastes 12:1 " Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-4 "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." Colossians 3:21 "but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God." 1 Timothy 5:4 ""If any man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or his mother, and when they chastise him, he will not even listen to them, then his father and mother shall seize him, and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gateway of his hometown. "They shall say to the elders of his city, 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard.' "Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death; so you shall remove the evil from your midst, and all Israel will hear of it and fear." Deuteronomy 21:18-21 "The eye that mocks a father And scorns a mother, The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it." Proverbs 30:17 "'If there is anyone who curses his father or his mother, he shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother, his bloodguiltiness is upon him." Leviticus 20:9 ""He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Exodus 21:15 III. The Bible father who wouldn't discipline his children: A. Eli and his two sons: B. Their sin: 1 Sam 2:12-17,22 C. Eli's reaction: 1 Sam 2:23-25,29 1. Words only, no action 2. By this time it was too late! The battle was lost when they were 4-6 years old D. God's judgment; 1 Sam 2:34; 3:11-14 1. "He did not rebuke them" IV. Things To Avoid: A. Favoritism: Who's the favorite kid or parent? 1. Jacob and Joseph: Gen 37:3-4 2. NT teaching: Jas 2:1,6,7 B. Emphasizing externals rather than Character: 1. Achievement oriented rather than character oriented: 1 Sam 15:22-23 2. Focusing of outward beauty, clothing & jewelry vs. inward spirit: 1 Sam 16:6-7; 1 Pet 3:3-4 3. More concerned with scholastic achievement than with behavior and social skills C. Bad friends and playmates will create problems in your child: 1 Cor 15:33 D. Fully sheltering them from the world and all evil influence: 1 Cor 5:9-10 E. Failing to take into consideration that children are not adults: 1. Disciplining for things that are typical of their age but very frustrating to parents: a) 1 Cor 13:11 "spoke, thought and reasoned as a child" Children are children! b) Children often do things that are foolish because they are irresponsible and immature. c) Examples: (1) Spilling grape juice on the white rug (2) Getting crayon on the table when they missed the page, paint faces (3) Not having a deep, quiet conversation with the neighbors 4 year old! 2. Giving too much or too little responsibility or freedom: a) The process from cradle to adulthood is a series of small increases of responsibility b) Too much: children tend to feel neglected and uncared for...and get themselves in trouble (1) Jesus & Paul understood the limits of spiritual children: Jn 16:12-13; 1 Cor 3:1-2 (2) Age 2-3 can handle 2 different commandments at one time; 4-5 about 3; 6-8 about 4 c) Too little: Teens feel resentful and will rebel F. Making threats that are unreasonable and you know you won't carry through with: 1. "I'll ground you for 6 months if you don't clean up your room today" G. Losing your temper or yell at them insanely: Eph 5:26; Jas 1:19; Prov 15:18 H. Do not interfere when your spouse disciplines: 1. When punished, children will run to the other parent's lap for a hug and comfort. a) The child is manipulating this parent and the hug tells the child the other parent was wrong b) Do not hug the child until after the child has reconciled with the parent who disciplined 2. Parents must be aware of this and work together. 3. Arguing in front of the kids gives mixed signals and erodes their confidence in both parents 4. Two heads are better then one, take each others viewpoint into consideration, be humble 5. Give more weight to the parent who is not involved in the heat of the problem directly. I. Never differ over discipline with spouse in front of the children: Mk 3:25 J. Being too critical: you can break the child's "spirit" and cause depression: Col 3:21 1. Children at 8, for example tend to already be self-critical Click to View V. Things To Do: A. Have a clear set of rules and boundaries the child fully knows and understands 1. Interestingly, transgression is going outside of God's boundaries. 2. Enlist the help of each partner to make the boundaries. Agree upon them. 3. Revise your boundaries year by year with age. 4. Communicate each child's boundaries with (ie.) grandparents to prevent some problems 5. Establish specific penalties for specific violations: (ie. Any lying=instant spanking) 6. Children feel more secure when they have clearly defined bounderies B. Choose a penalty that fits the crime to bring results : "Crime doesn't pay!" 1. God punishes more severely if we knew something was wrong and how accountable we are: a) Lk 12:47-48; Mk 12:38-40; Mt 11:21-24; 2 Pe 2:20-21 b) Discipline more severely for repeat offences c) Do discipline for first time acts but less severely 2. God will punish some sins more severely than others: a) OT Law: Adultery-death; (Lev 18:20) b) OT Law: Stealing-restitution 2 times (Ex 22:4) C. Give a show of love equal to the magnatude of the chosen punishment: 1. Give them a big hug and kiss and tell them you love them after all is finished! 2. Express you love them, "Why does daddy discipline you?" "Because you love me" 3. Children can endure difficult periods of correction when there is love expressed D. Use a wide variety of disciplining methods: 1. Don't be afraid to spank when necessary. (Every child on earth has needed at least one good spanking!) 2. Be creative, think of new methods that will be effective. E. Correct immediately, but not out of anger or frustration F. Be consistent, Repeat offenses dealt with similarly G. Follow through with what you said: 1. "You'll be grounded for a day if..." You must carry through with what you said otherwise the children learn your words are hollow and without credibility. H. Discipline should produce sorrow for doing the deed 1. There is a difference of sorrow for getting caught and sorrow for committing: 2 Cor 7:8-10 I. Carefully explain why the child is being disciplined both before and after! This ensures the child knows exactly why punished and reinforces through repetition J. Always relate the problem to what Jesus thinks and what the Bible says about it 1. Ask them what Biblical passages apply? K. Admit to a child who was unjustly punished that you were wrong in doing so! 1. Parents do make mistakes, sometimes you are forced to decide between two children's different versions of the same story. 2. When you admit you wrongly disciplined unjustly, the child already knows! Admission will create love and respect. Failure to admit will cause bitterness and rebellion L. Both parents should periodically discuss each child's development! 1. identify specific problems and implement specific plans to combat M. When there is a conflict in stories between your child and an adult...trust the adult N. Instill a general respect for all adults, especially their teachers and neighbors Don't "childproof" your child into disrespecting adult stangers- accept no candy but respect! VI. Different Methods Of Disciplining: A. Verbal warning or scolding: Minor crimes, first time offenses B. Isolation: Stand in corner; sit on a chair; send to room; grounding C. Withdrawal of privileges: something that they wanted...something that hurts! Click to View D. Imposition of work: 1. punishment that teaches, value of work, responsibility 2. Most children have excessive play time and not enough work time. 3. Great release for summer boredom. E. Martial discipline or spanking 1. Do not use your hand, but an inanimate object like a wooden spoon, paddle or leather belt. a) Child should not cringe every time you raise your hand to scratch your ear. 2. Determine exactly how many times you will spank then tell the child. 3. Privately determine how hard you will spank, (no need to tell the child). 4. Do not hit the child anywhere but the fatty behind area, (Do not hit on back or legs). a) Have the child lie over a chair or bed or lay on top of bed. 5. Generally, a spanking should not leave any marks that persist for more than a few hours. 6. If the child will not co-operate tell them you will add 1 more spank, then follow through. 7. Count out the spanks as you give them. 8. The child will cry, but children are fully capable of crying within control. a) Wild screaming should not be tolerated but is their way of fighting back and rebelling. b) Tell them they must not make a lot of noise, (Tell them if they want to scream, they can to scream into a pillow to muffle the sound.) c) If they will not co-operate, but insist on screaming wildly, warn them before that if they do scream in this manner, you will spank them again. (make sure you follow through). VII. Suggested Procedure For Disciplining: A. Determine exactly what the child did B. Get the child to admit to the deed: (Double punishment if they lie) 1. Discipline is only really effective when the child understands that certain actions are wrong. C. Get the child to admit they knew it was wrong: 1. Right and wrong is what mommy, daddy, grandparents, teachers and God says. D. Ask them why they did it E. Choose a method of discipline that fits the crime and will bring about repentance: F. Ask them: "If you were a daddy how would you discipline yourself right now? 1. This helps them to clearly see the problem G. Impose the discipline H. afterward, ask them again why they were disciplined I. always reconcile with a big hug and tell them you love them VIII. Particular Sins To Look Out For: A. Willful rebellion and disobedience B. Lying C. Stealing D. Dirty looks, scowling at parent E. Talking back F. Whining and pouting when disciplined: this is a sign that the child has not repented Click to View IX. Battlegrounds: A. Going to bed: 1. Get the child to agree beforehand what time they will go to bed 2. Set an time clock for young children. Set clock for 15 minutes, "bell means bedtime" B. The dinner table: 1. Avoid serving them foods they won't like; Tastes develop with age. 2. Generally children will eat as much as they need. a) Perhaps you put an adult helping on their plate, if you are worried that they are not getting fed enough make them eat as many bites as they are old. young children love this! b) Get them to serve themselves with the understanding they eat what they take. c) If they only eat a little, they won't starve by morning. 3. Cut out all snacks, candy & soft drinks after 2PM, these curb appetites: a) If they say they are not hungry at supper, snacks have curbed their appetite. b) Then at 7PM "I'm hungry". They really are hungry. 4. Make rule, "Don't finish dinner, no food till morning". (they won't starve, but might remember) C. Getting up in the morning: 1. Check to see if they are going to bed at a proper time. (bedtime schedule chart) 2. Lack of self discipline D. Doing chores and Cleaning up their room: 1. Don't pay them for work, expect them to do it as part of their duty E. Bathing and brushing teeth: Usually need to be told repeatedly-they outgrow F. Television: 1. Make a rule they are only allowed to watch approved shows that are taped on VCR 2. This cuts out commercials that are often bad and cuts viewing time by 20% X. Your Child's Teacher: The Third Parent A. Your child's teacher spends same time with your child than you do, 5 days a week! B. Teachers are able to see your child out of the home environment (the acid test) 1. Your child's true behavior and conduct is seen at school 2. Problems at home become most evident at school C. Make specific inquiries about your child's behavior and believe what you hear D. Treat them like a third parent: 1. Work with teachers, support all their disciplining as you would your spouse's 2. Children must know you will abide by their teachers decisions and judgments 3. If a child knows you are at odds with teacher: same problem as parent (rebellion) XII. Spiritual training and influence of example A. We need to give them spiritual training: 2 Tim 3:15; Deut 6:6-9. 1. Daily Bible reading and prayer before bed or before school. 2. Weekly devotionals with singing, Bible study and prayer in home. B. Training children involves three things: positive instruction, example and discipline. 1. A lesson on honesty falls flat when child hears dad lie to get out of ticket. 2. Hypocrisy obvious when dad sleeps through sermons then say, "good lesson preacher". 3. Child hears gossip and slander in back seat of car on the way home from church. 4. No wonder children grow up saying, "My parents forced me to go and I don't have to now". C. Some sins of the parent are transmitted to the children: Num 14:18 1. Alcoholism & smoking, physical and sexual abuse, poor work ethic, "the cycle of poverty" Spiritual indifference CONCLUSION: A. Parents who use the Bible's standard of discipline will be much better off in the end: 1. Good children do not just happen; they're the result of careful cultivation. Isaiah 54:13. B. Poem: TO OUR CHILDREN Ps 127:3-6 Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters Of life's longing for itself; They come through you but not from you And though they are with you, They belong not to you; You may give them your love But not your thoughts, Because they have their own thoughts; You may house their bodies, But not their souls; Their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, Which you cannot enter, Not even in your dreams; You may strive to be like them But seek not to make them like you; For life goes not backwards Nor tarries with yesterday; Your are the bow from which your children As living arrows are sent forth; Let the bending in the archer's hand be for gladness A Parent Steve Rudd Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Why School Shootings? "At Littleton, yesterday, America got a glimpse of the last stop on that train to hell she boarded decades ago when we declared that God is dead, and that each of us is his or her own god who can make up the rules as we go along." -- Republican presidential candidate Pat Buchanan's reaction to the tragic school shooting in Littleton, Colorado. Whoa! What in the world is happening with our kids today? Let's see... I think it started when Madalyn Murray O'Hair complained that she didn't want any prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you had better not read the Bible in school-the Bible that says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK. Remember Dr. Benjamin Spock, who said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem? And we said, OK, we won't spank them. Then someone said that teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And our administrators said whoa, no one in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued. Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and we won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, that's a grand idea. Then someone else said, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the "fun" they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents. And we said, that's another great idea. And then some of our top officials said that it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And we said, as long as I have a job and the economy is good, it doesn't matter to me what anyone does in private. So now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "we reap what we sow". Whoa! What a concept! Bias of the Media to report truth about motivation of shootings! Nii Saka Addo, for the Middle School Problem of the Week HOLLYWOOD, CA (May 7, 1999) -- Recently, I had the opportunity to sit next to the head of the NBC production team assigned to the Columbine High School Massacre. This producer said that the people on-site from the networks found out something very different from what the New York and Washington bureau headquarters were reporting to the American people. For one, this producer noted that the 13 victims of Columbine High were evangelical Christians. The two boys, Harris and Klebold, whom the national media said were looking for athletes, did not go to the obvious place to find athletes - the gym. Some of the national media said the killers were racially motivated, but then why didn't they go to where the black students hung out and why did they shoot only one black student? No, they went to the library and asked Cassie Bernall and many of the others, "Do you believe in God?" - Thus, it appears that the killers targeted evangelical Christians. Just like Paducah, Kentucky, and some of the other teen school shootings, the focus was on the most Christian youth. As you recall in Paducah, it was a morning prayer meeting that was shot up, not football practice. How come these facts haven't hit the national news? The NBC producer said that the bureau chiefs could not process this information, but all the news teams sent to the site of the shootings knew the story. Is this the product of all the years of media Christian bashing? Is this like the brown shirts and black shirts in Germany who targeted the strong religious communities (both Jewish and Christian) - a fact of history which is almost forgotten now? Furthermore, or point number two, as the Washington Post has noted, Klebold's grandfather was a prominent Jewish philanthropist. This fact stands in stark contradiction to media reports alleging that the killers were some kind of lunatic fringe Aryan-racists. The facts don't fit the picture but they do correspond to some of the other shootings. If Christians were prone to the eye-for-an-eye politics of envy and if we were to emulate the politically correct, mass media tendency to bash Christians, we could say this was a conspiracy, but it is not. We could say that this is revenge of the nerds, but it would be just as bad as the opposite stereotype of Christophobic bigotry which has found its way into the news media across the country. A third point is that the parents of Mr. Harris and Mr. Klebold, according to their neighbors, were good parents. The parents did get involved. They did laugh and play with their children. When their children got into trouble, according to the Washington Post, their fathers were there, something that is extremely rare. The Washington Post wrote about the parents in great detail to underline the possibility that this could happen anywhere to anyone. So, as we try to put together the pieces of this deadly jigsaw puzzle, we reach the most politically incorrect conclusion of all time - that the problem was not their racial heritage or their religious convictions or absentee parenting, but old-fashioned sin - a word that can hardly be uttered in our contemporary society. One commentator mistakenly said these boys were basically good. The Maker's Manual that we have been given for every child says, however, that, although every child is created in the image of God, they are all infected by the virus of sin. Although it is not politically correct, every parent knows that children don't have to be taught to lie, to hit each other, to take what belongs to others, and to do things that are WRONG. It is part of their nature to do such evil things. That's why they have to be taught to be good, to be self-disciplined, to respect others, and a host of other politically incorrect, morally righteous behavior. They do need the Ten Commandments on the school house wall after all. Schools ought to stop tolerating perverse and abhorrent behavior, and allowing sin to abound. People need to start understanding the truth of the Maker's Manual. By the way, the Maker's Manual also points out the Answer to sin. It is the only Answer that really works. Not meditation, not holding your breath, not worshipping your ancestors, not religious activities and rituals, but Jesus Christ. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA How to Properly Discipline your Child The Bible Way! Click to View Good parents refuse to leave their children at the mercy of their own folly. Exerting every effort to prepare their children for successful living, they teach them the needful skills of self-control, respect for authority, consideration for others, and submission to God. This training involves teaching, leading, correcting. In a word, this training involves discipline. First, effective discipline is consistent, but it is next to impossible to be perfectly consistent. Personal feelings often spoil our efforts to be consistent. One day because mother has a headache, the child must toe the mark. The following day when everything is going well, the child can get away with anything. Fire always burns, and children learn not to touch it because it is consistently hot. A parent's "no" has meaning only if that parent is consistent, never permitting the child to ignore it. Second, effective discipline is positive. Discipline is not all negative. The gentle, constant pressure of a dentist's braces can re-align the teeth, likewise the steady patience of a positive parent can shape strong character in a child. Effective discipline demands proper example. God gave a high compliment to Abraham when he said of him, "I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord", Genesis 18:19. This good father led by character and example. Joshua admonished Israel, "Choose you this day whom you will serve," then he added the strong words, "but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord," Joshua 24:15. He was a successful disciplinarian of others because he was successful in self-discipline. Planting Bible principles in the heart of a child is the most reliable insurance a parent can have against disobedience and rebellion. By the time a child reaches school age, he may be spending the majority of his waking hours away from parental influence. If those first six years have been used by Godly parents to instill an awareness of God's presence and to develop a sense of right and wrong, the child is much less vulnerable to undesirable influences. The child who has been taught respect for parental authority is more likely to respect the authority of civil law and of God. He also needs to learn the discipline of work. Learning to be a responsible, productive member, of the family is important. Picking up toys and putting away clothes helps prepare the child for the responsibilities of adult life. Third, effective discipline is individualized. Wise parents do not compare one child to another. Children are individuals, each with strengths and weaknesses. They Find security in being loved and accepted. Even when the child is punished, he must sense that it is because he is loved. (Hebrews 12:5-6) Proper discipline must be individualized. Each situation must be seen from his view point before issuing mandates. Parents should respect a child's right to express himself, being courteous and considerate of his feelings. This is living the golden rule of Matthew 7:12. Fourth, effective discipline is rewarding. There may be times when discipline is met by obstinance and parents may be tempted to become soft and permissive, but what is actually needed at this time is an added measure of firmness. This temptation must be rejected if the rewards of parenthood are to be realized. Seeing children grow into Christ-like living productive adults is a rewards of carefully patterned discipline. The Bible says that children are a heritage of the Lord, like arrows in the hand of a warrior, are the sons of one's youth; Happy is the man who has a quiver full of them, he has not been put to shame, Psalms 127:3-5. Solomon said, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6. Proper Discipline (Part 2) The word discipline derives from the Greek word which means "to teach". Our reducing of this good word to denote only the punishment of those who do wrong is a mistake. And the widely held notion that he is the best parent who most sternly and severely punishes his child for wrong-doing is a more serious mistake. Wrong-doing results in harm and is therefore to be avoided. This is a lesson every child should learn. And it is necessary for a child to feel something of the ill that results from his wrong attitudes and acts. In infancy and early childhood, when reasoning powers are limited, the child may be able to understand this only when his misdeeds are immediately and sharply related to something that pains him. It is here, no doubt, that the proverbial "rod" must be applied to prevent bad attitudes and acts from becoming habits (Proverbs 13:24; 23:13). But true discipline not only emphasizes the ill that comes from harmful acts; it also hastens to show the good effects that come from good acts and attitudes. And when the child's powers of reason are not well developed to see such natural, good effects, the wise and thoughtful parent will reward the child's good deeds with immediate and pleasant things. True discipline is positive, as well as negative. Jesus' parable of the man from whom the demon was driven is excellent illustration (Luke 11:23-26). The demon wandered in dry places and found no home. He eventually came back to his former home to find that it was swept and garnished - but still empty! He immediately sought out other homeless demons whom he had met in his wanderings and invited them to live with him in the readied, empty heart of the man he had formerly inhabited. The man's last state was worse than the first! That "discipline" which is concerned only with removing evil is doomed to fail. It may result in making a child good, but good for nothing! True discipline not only guards, but guides. It overcomes evil with good. Timothy was wisely disciplined in that in his childhood his mind was filled with the knowledge of the sacred Scripture (11 Timothy 3:15). Jesus at twelve years of age was committed to His father's business (Luke 2:49). Paul refers to an attitude of some teachers who multiply rules such as "do not touch, do not taste, do not handle", which, he says, have a show of wisdom in will-worship but have no value against the indulgence of the flesh (Colossians 2:20-23). Parents may profit from this word. The truly disciplined child is not the one who knows only what not to do - rather the one who is instructed and practiced in good things to do. Effective discipline consists not only of words and acts of correction, but also it involves instruction and exhortation to good deeds and thought. In addition to all this, the most effective discipline is a loving and patient example in all good things. Not that there is never reproof or bodily punishment; not that instruction and encouragement by word of mouth is lacking, but the teachers who are most sure of success are those whose lives are worth examples and whose love and patience inspire their discipline. Those parents who give to their children the security and joy of a home where love surrounds them, and whose words of teaching and guidance are demonstrated daily and fully in righteous, patient, unselfish service both in and out of the home, are those who truly discipline their children! Click Your Choice Back to START "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" Click to View With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work. Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, sonny, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired." "But Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour, " the boy insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars per hour." "Okay, Daddy. Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled: "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right?Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!" It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he said and was feeling guilty. Maybe he thought , his son wanted to buy something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep, son?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy, partially asleep. "Here's the money asked for earlier, " the father said. "Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said. "Daddy, could I buy you for an hour?" Click Your Choice Back to START A Father has a great effect upon his children! "Please, Daddy, Won't You Go!" Click to View A little girl's bright shining eyes with face aglow, Says: "Daddy, It's time for church-Let's Go! They teach us there of Jesus' love, of how he died for all, Upon the cruel cross to save those who on Him will call." "Oh, no," said Daddy, "Not today. I've worked hard all week, And I must have one day of rest; and I'm going to the creek. For there I can relax and rest; and fishing is fine they say. So run along; don't bother me, we'll go to church some day." Well months and years have passed away, but Daddy hears that plea no more; "Let's go to Bible school." Those childhood days are over. And Daddy's grown old, life's almost through, He finds time to go to church, but what does daughter do? She says: "Oh Daddy, not today-I stayed up almost all night; And I've just got to have some sleep, besides I look a fright." Then Daddy lifts a trembling hand to brush away the tears, As again he hears the pleading voice, distinctly through the years. He sees a small girl's shining face upturned, with eyes aglow, As she says, "It's time for Bible school; please, Daddy, won't you go?" A Father has a great effect upon his children! Father's action Effect on child If the father breaks promises. The child tends to become ungrateful. If the father never admits being wrong. The child loses confidence in his leadership. If the father refuses to ask forgiveness. The child reacts to his pride. If the father is too strict in discipline. The child's spirit is broken. If the father gives too much freedom. The child feels unloved and rejected. If the father does not love his wife. The child takes defense for his mother. If the father neglects God's word. The child rejects the Bible and God's authority. If the father is a work-a-holic. The child develops a temporal value system. If the father disciplines in anger. The child becomes bitter. If the father focuses on the outward beauty of others. The child feels inferior and rejects himself. If the father has inconsistent standards. The child disrespects & despises him. If the father allows his wife to lead. The child rejects all authority. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA How to survive a church service with [your] small children! Click to View A. Suggestions For In The Assembly 1. 0-2 yrs sit near back. 2+ yrs sit near the front of the auditorium, next to aisle. 2. Expect your child to sit quietly. 3. Do not pass children from pew to pew during worship service. 4. Be certain that your child uses the washroom and gets a drink before worship begins. 5. Talk to the child about being quiet before services begin. 6. Use sign language. A parent's correction is often more disturbing than the child's behavior. 7. Attend every service, gospel meetings, ladies classes & use as opportunities to train your child. 8. It may be helpful to give a child a soft toy (i.e. cloth rubber or plastic toy) to occupy him. 9. Learn to overlook small annoyances. 10. Make trips out unpleasant enough that they will be few and far between. 11. Do not leave your child in the care of other children. 12. Avoid allowing the child to become excited immediately before worship. 13. Be an example. Don't "visit" with those sitting near you during worship. 14. Do not allow your child to play on the floor of the auditorium. 15. Criticism will come whether or not you discipline your child. Do what has to be done. 16. Don't make excuses for your child or yourself. (Adapted from Calm or Chaos by Ruth Hale) B. Age/Behaviour chart See also: Mental, Emotional, Social Development Of Children By Age: Chart Age What To Do And Expect 0-1 Focus on food, rocking & movement, a soft toy will provide eye and touch stimulation. Clean up any mess. You are setting a good example and are encouraging many. 1-2 Continue with above except for food. Begin practicing to sit still. Don't let them wander around reserve soft toys for assembly time only. Remember your actions are teaching your children! 2-3 Can learn to sit quietly, sing, pray & give. Teach to face forward. Teach your children that we are here because we want to be. 3-4 Can learn to go to washroom before assembly. Bring less toys & more books. Teach them to keep their hands to themselves. Teach them 'we' are here to learn about God. 5 A clipboard with a pen that clicks closed will keep them occupied. Don't allow them to draw until the preacher begins his sermon. Teach them that 'they' are here to learn about God. 6 Buy easy read Bible as they begin grade 1. Child can start listening to the preacher. Have them check each time a certain word is used in sermon. Ask the preacher for this word. Teach them that they can only learn about God if they will listen. 7 Can be taught to listen. Ask questions after service about what they learned. Talk about lesson with them. Be positive & encourage them. Teach them they need to learn how to use Bible. 8+ The children can be expected to pay full attention, even taking notes. Teach them that they can find out the answers to their questions and their problems from God's Word. C. Article: Trouble On Sunday! After Linda and I married ten years ago we began to attend the Belview Heights church in Birmingham. Since we had both been Christians for several years, Sunday had always been special; but our marriage made us seem to look forward to it even more. Sunday was not only the Lord's day and afforded time for worship and fellowship with the saints in the assemblies, but also was used as a convenient time to have other Christians into our apartment and to accept invitations into the homes of others. There was time to visit the sick or attend an occasional singing at another congregation. About six months after we began to attend Belview Heights, I was asked to drive about forty miles to the south of Birmingham to preach for a small congregation called Pea Ridge. Sunday continued to be very special. Even though we were spending over two hours in travel we enjoyed the journey, worshipping with those Saint's, spending the afternoon in their homes, and my first opportunity to preach regularly made it all a grand experience. The following summer we moved to Pea Ridge. I taught school and worked with the saints there. They were all very encouraging to me, but I depended mostly on I.inda for a critic of my sermons. If my sermon flopped, she would tell when others would not. Going home from services I was always in for a lesson in English grammar and pronunciation, and sometimes (when I had used the blackboard) a spelling session. She could tell me where the lesson dragged, when I should have stopped, and what points could have been made easier to understand. What amazes me now, as I look back, was her ability to point out these faults, yet I could still arrive at home feeling like the best 22-year-o1d preacher around. Sundays continued to be like this for the next three years; then another person entered our lives who abruptly changed things. Our son, Chad, brought unspeakable joy into our lives, but he brought TROUBLE ON SUNDAY. When I gained a son, I lost my best critic. Chad was in his first worship service when he was five days old. while it was very rare for Linda and Chad to miss, it was also rare for Linda to get much out of the service. When she was not out of the auditorium changing a diaper or quieting our son, she was wrestling, picking up, feeding, entertaining: anything to keep him from disturbing others. Chad was actually well behaved, but things did not necessarily get easier for Linda as he became a toddler. By this time I was preaching for the church at Huffman in Birmingham, a congregation of 250. We had always been used to sitting near the front and both thought there was less distraction for us and Chad there than in the back. But this decision almost always demanded an embarrassing walk down the aisle in the middle of the service, and more times than not (since the back pews were always packed), a walk back up to the front after Chad had been disciplined or tended to. Just when Linda was feeling like she was worshipping again, our second child, Misty, was born. I don't ever remember her taking a nap in church. Since the nursery was often overcrowded, Linda spent much of the service in the foyer or walking the halls of the classroom building. Not only could she not be a critic of my sermon, most of the time she could not even remember the topic. Singing was difficult, listening to the sermon was out of the question, and it was even a problem to observe the Lord's Supper properly. This TROUBLE ON SUNDAY was a major problem, but somehow we managed to find room for some humor. I used to tell Linda she had become a heathen since the children came. Was our TROUBLE ON SUNDAY worth it? YES! Would it be better for young parents just to stay home on Sunday nights and not come in the morning for Bible study? Would it be better for one parent to stay home with the children while the other attended and got something out of the service? Even though Linda saw little immediate fruit for her labor and sacrifice, she knew she was doing what was right. Our children would grow up so that they would never know anything but worship and Bible study on the Lord's Day. Time set aside for God would become as much a part of their nature as eating and playing. And while our children did misbehave and still do occasionally, we saw other parents who did not take their children until they were old enough to behave, and their children acted much worse. Chad is now six and our reward is much more frequent. We now live in Colorado where the church is made up of only 20 people. We meet in a rented conference room after beginning in our home. Chad takes an unusual joy in getting up chairs, distributing songbooks, helping other children find page numbers, leading a song or a prayer in a children's class. Misty and Chad both look forward to meeting with the saints and their children. There are still problems that result in their being punished, but there are now two children in this world who already know the significance of the Lord's Day. Yes looking back the trouble on Sunday was well worth it! Adapted from Darrell Hymel. Endorsed by Steve Rudd Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA The results of NOT Disciplining Children the Bible way! Click to View The disastrous consequences of parental indulgence is dramatically illustrated in the lives of three of God's great servants, Eli, Samuel, and David. Eli's sin, so serious that it caused God to condemn his house forever, was that "his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not" (I Samuel 3:13). Those boys' conduct was so offensive that worshipers began to hold the Lord's sacrifice in contempt (I Samuel 2:17). Israel rebelled against God because Samuel's sons did not follow in their father's footsteps, but were intent on their own profit, taking bribes and perverting the course of justice (I Samuel 8:3-5). Adonijah, David's handsome son, rebelled and attempted to usurp the throne in David's old age because, never in his life had his father corrected him or asked why he behaved as he did (I Kings 1:6). Termination of a priestly dynasty, Israel's rejection of God, and treason in the royal family all were the results of the failure of some of God's greatest servants to discipline their children. It seems incredible-that men so close to God would be careless in the discipline of their children. Parents must keep their priorities straight. Nothing must become so all consuming that we fail our children. Today, parents are bombarded by a battery of authorities, doctors, and psychologists, government day-care advocates, and other experts who leave the impression that we know absolutely nothing about rearing our own children. To be sure, we can all use help..... but Christian parents must not be intimidated to the point of relinquishing their God-given responsibility to guide their children on the straight and narrow course of life (Proverbs 29:15-17). A child who lives without parental discipline is doubly cheated. First, he is being taught to be self-centered. Secondly, he is subconsciously learning that his parents are not genuinely concerned about him. Parents who really love their children provide the necessary discipline to cause them to grow into well-adjusted adult life. It is essential for a child to know that his parents care about his behavior; that the way he thinks and acts really matters to them. God shows love for his children by disciplining them. The Bible says, "Whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth" (Proverbs 3:12). Our children will sense that discipline implies love. We will make mistakes. Not being infallible, we have to rear our children according to the light we have. Hindsight often reveals that a certain discipline was not best. But that does not nullify the judgement that some sort of discipline was necessary. Parents who ignore their child's misbehavior will receive disrespect in return, resulting in further patterns of misbehavior. Repeated neglect of disciplinary action will have tragic lifetime consequences (Proverbs 29:15-17). Training of children is not primarily the responsibility of the psychologist, the church, or the school. It is primarily the responsibility of parents (Ephesians 6:4). We render a doubtful service to God and mankind if we save the whole world, yet lose our own children. Remember Eli, Samuel and David. After all, not only are they our children, they are also God's. He will help us make them what he would have them be. The real answer then, is neither the iron-handed approach, nor the permissive indifference which seeks to justify itself with a barrage of high sounding excuses, but rather the positive, yet firm hand which love demands. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA How to Teach your Child The Bible!!! Click to View William Lyon Phelps, the noted educator, once declared that a knowledge of the Bible without a college education is worth more than a college education without a knowledge of the Bible. With this statement we heartily agree. It is hard to exaggerate the great value of a working knowledge of the Bible. Fortunate indeed is the child whose parents realize the responsibility, the necessity, and the wonderful opportunity of teaching their children the Bible. Example alone is not enough. We would not in the least minimize the importance of setting the right example before the child by living daily the principles of truth taught in the Scriptures. But this is NOT enough. To build a faith in the child that is strong and to equip him to meet the temptations he shall surely face in life, we must teach him by word and deed the Bible. It is significant that Jesus met temptation with the Word of God (Matthew 4). Each temptation was met with "It is written." It is still true in the 20th century that there is a Scripture that will help us successfully overcome every temptation, James says, "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." The Word of God is our offensive weapon against sin and Satan (Ephesians 6:17). One of the best ways to train the child in the home is through the medium of a daily devotional. There is something sweet and sublime about a father, mother, and children sitting down together in the quiet of their home, reading the Bible and having prayer. Each father and mother should figure out what time of day is the most logical for the family to have a devotional. For many families the best time may be in the evening just before retiring. If the father works in the evening it may be that immediately following breakfast or lunch is the logical time. It only takes about five minutes after the family has finished the meal to read a brief selection from the Bible, make a few comments, select a choice verse for the entire family to repeat several times together, and close by having prayer. This may be done while the family is still seated around the table. Such devotionals build spiritual strength and draw the family closer to each other and to God. The family that prays together stays together. In the years ahead these minutes will constitute precious memories that will fortify the soul! Children enjoy the thrilling stories of the Bible and they can be taught to memorize some of the great passages so easily. Several years ago on the television program "Know Your Bible" a panel of lawyers were asked Bible questions. One prominent attorney was especially well versed in the Old Testament. Here was the explanation he gave for it: "I came from a large family. My father in the evenings read us Bible stories. We had to listen to the story and then write it. I have never forgotten what I learned as a child." Remember your child will be a child only once. Fleeting years of childhood will soon be gone forever and with them will go the opportunity of training your child in the Bible. Begin today a serious systematic effort! You will be giving him something that cannot be taken from him when you are gone, that will fortify his soul against the attacks of sin and Satan. Begin today! Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Before You Place Your Child In Day Care... Click to View "I want my mommy" The first six years are most important. Stay at home! Quit your job! Pre-school day cares should be considered only in desperate circumstances. Never mind who is going to fund the increasing need for child-care facilities. Has anyone investigated the harm of dropping off a child on the way to work in the morning & then picking him up after work? Two seemingly unrelated news items in the newspaper caught my eye. One was on a 15 year old in Deham, Mass. who is being tried for the baseball-bat bludgeoning death of a 14 yr old classmate. When interviewed by detectives, "He was very calm, almost bored. Sort of like,' Don't bother me.' He grinned when I asked him if he knew where Shaun was. " The boy's accusers are his friends who turned him in after the teenager had shown them his classmate's body" ("Teen on trial denies knowledge of death," AP, 3/4/88 ) The other articles were on the editorial page. "Day Care: What now?" headlined the editorial." Child-care coordination essential," Caryl Stewart, Burlington's Ecumenical Action Ministry chairperson wrote in a Vermont Perspective. There are no simple solutions to any of the complex problems which confront our community, but I would like the brethren to meditate on some information brought together by those who must deal with the fruit of the current child-care situation. The debate in the community has mostly centered on funding issues: who should pay? Ms. Stewart states her hew of the problem, "Child care is a classes example of the cultural lag that occurs when society has not caught up with a fundamental change it has created." Though I believe Ms. Stewart probably had financial & coordination issues in mind, her observation is correct when it comes to the "cultural lag" produced by fundamental changes in child care. Child development expert Edward F. Zigler of Yale University warned, "young children placed in day-care centers may be harmed by the trauma of separation from their mothers, comparable to psychological thalidomide. " Statistically, the highest increase in the rate of labor force participation has been among women with children 3 years & younger. With the explosion of mothers in the work-place, the supply of child-care cannot possibly keep up with the demand. According to the National Commission on Working Women, there are currently 5 million child-care providers, 3 million working full-time. They come from a wide variety of backgrounds, but the majority of them have little or no training. The work is ill-paid ($2,200 - $12,500 annual average). Yet, more than half of all women in households with children work. The number is put -around 30 million women employed full-time in the U.S. The percentage of working hardly "high-quality", as most caregivers & parents realize. Some of it is no more than "child warehousing": children parked in front of a TV or left lying in a crib. A research project by Dr. R. Moskins in 1985 investigated primary school age children who had been reared in an extremely high-quality day care center at the University of North Carolina. They were found, "...as more likely to use aggressive acts of hitting, kicking, & pushing than children in the control group...more likely to swear, threaten, & argue...teachers were more likely to rate these children as being seriously deficit in social behavior...less apt to use strategies of walking away, discussion, or compromise to avoid or extract themselves from ...aggression." Dr. Belsky, citing this research & other similar reports, wrote, "the risk of insecure infant-mother ate attachment under conditions of extensive nonmaterial care ( as it is routinely experienced in this country) increases when infants from relatively well-functioning, two-parent families are reared in these particular circumstances." So, what harm can come if a child is not "attached" to his mother? Plenty, according to experts. From Dr. Ken Magid's book, High Risk, the rapid statistical increase of kids who kill is linked to a lack of parent-child bonding in these young murderers. Examination of adult psychopaths reveals a common denominator: parental neglect between the ages of6 months & 5 years. Consider only one news-story which is similar to thousands of others. "Prosecutors & detectives met in the case of another child killer in March 1986. At issue was whether to bring criminal charges against a 5 year-old boy from Miami Beach who pushed his 3 year-old playmate off an apartment house balcony to his death. Asst. State's attorney Abe Laeser said,' He confessed to pushing the 3 year-old off the balcony, even as the child hung on for dear life. The confession was made as the smiling five year-old ate pizza & Coke." Michael Rutter, in his book, Maternal Deprivation Reassessed, Says the absence of attachment leads to "affectionless phychopathy...beginning with an initial phase of clinging, dependant behavior followed by attention-seeking, uninhibited, indiscriminate friendliness & finally, a personality characterized by lack of guilt, an inability to keep rules & an inability to form lasting relationships." Obviously, not all of these neglected children become Mansons or Bundys, but all suffer some form of psychological damage. Not all A.P.D. (affectionless phychopathy dependant) personalities commit crimes or behave so bizarrely as to be noticed. Some estimates put the number of psychopathic personalities in the U.S. as high as 5% of the population, 13 million. The majority of patients in prison or mental institutions are suffering from varying degrees of psychopathy, & according to one mental health specialist, "Only the unlucky or unsuccessful psychopaths ever allow themselves to be placed in a controlled environment, such as prison or an institution." Space does not allow a full treatment of the problem, but I would like to suggest that the solution is not going to be fundamentally financial or organizational, Though enlightened support of the financially strapped family or single parent household is a place to start. The real solution is personal & relational. Children need the full-time love & care of their parents. Nothing can take the place of the strong bond formed between parents & their children. God designed the human condition to work in a manner consistent with His design. Just as a houseplant will die without water, or a goldfish turns belly up without a clean tank, conscience & character are not self-creating. These qualities will not form in a child who is not closely nurtured in the first five years of life. Research shows that neglect for even relatively short periods in a child's life (due to patient illness, death, moving, etc. ) can damage the child's character. Some Christians believe they are "caring" for their child so long as they assume they have an adult or teenager baby-sitting them. I have counseled many parents who could not understand their child's lack of affection, caution, & conscience. These parents assume that because the child never articulated their abandonment for the parent that the feeling did not exist. They fail to understand that their behavior will always be "normal " to the child because the child has no basis upon which to judge the appropriateness of their parents. One of the characteristics of abused children is that they will still choose to be with an abusive parent than a loving stranger. Children of alcoholic parents develop easily recognizable & common symptoms as adults: unfocused guilt, inability to form lasting close relationships, self-control abnormalities, & always an abiding conviction that their life & relationships as a child were "normal." Those who believe the current myth that child-care facilities are the answer to our culture's economic & social dislocation of the family deny the clear plan of God. The tragedy is that the cost of the mgh does not fall upon those who make the choice, rather that young lives are wasted by parental ignorance & greediness. (Jeffery Kingery - Gospel anchor) Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Sex education in the schools and abstinence Click to View I was holding a notice from my 13-year-old son's school announcing a meeting to preview the new course in sexuality. Parents could examine the curriculum and take part in an actual lesson presented exactly as it would be given to the students. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised to discover only about a dozen parents there. As we waited for the presentation, I thumbed through page after page of instructions in the prevention of pregnancy or disease. I found abstinence mentioned only in passing. When the teacher arrived with the school nurse, she asked if there were any questions. I asked why abstinence did not play a noticeable part in the material. What happened next was shocking. There was a great deal of laughter, and someone suggested that if I thought abstinence had any merit, I should go back to burying my head in the sand. The teacher and the nurse said nothing as I drowned in a sea of embarrassment. My mind had gone blank, and I could think of nothing to say. The teacher explained to me that the job of the school was to "teach facts," and the home was responsible for moral training. I sat in silence for the next 20 minutes as the course was explained. The other parents seemed to give their unqualified support to the materials. "Donuts, at the back," announced the teacher during the break. "I'd like you to put on the name tags we have prepared - they're right by the donuts - and mingle with the other parents." Everyone moved to the back of the room. As I watched them affixing their name tags and shaking hands, I sat deep in thought. I was ashamed that I had not been able to convince them to include a serious discussion of abstinence in the materials. I uttered a silent prayer for guidance. My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse's hand on my shoulder. "Won't you join the others, Mr. Layton?" The nurse smiled sweetly at me. "The donuts are good." "Thank you, no," I replied. "Well, then, how about a name tag? I'm sure the others would like to meet you." "Somehow I doubt that," I replied. "Won't you please join them?" she coaxed. Then I heard a still, small voice whisper, "Don't go." The instruction was unmistakable. "Don't go!" "I'll just wait here," I said. When the class was called back to order, the teacher looked around the long table and thanked everyone for putting on name tags. She ignored me. Then she said, "Now we're going to give you the same lesson we'll be giving your children. Everyone please peel off your name tags." I watched in silence as the tags came off. "Now, then, on the back of one of the tags, I drew a tiny flower. Who has it, please?" The gentleman across from me held it up. "Here it is!" "All right," she said. "The flower represents disease. Do you recall with whom you shook hands?" He pointed to a couple of people. "Very good," she replied. "The handshake in this case represents intimacy. So the two people you had contact with now have the disease." There was laughter and joking among the parents. The teacher continued, "And whom did the two of you shake hands with?" The point was well taken, and she explained how this lesson would show students how quickly disease is spread. "Since we all shook hands, we all have the disease." It was then that I heard the still, small voice again. "Speak now, it said, "but be humble." I noted wryly the latter admonition, then rose from my chair. I apologized for any upset I might have caused earlier, congratulated the teacher on an excellent lesson that would impress the youth, and concluded by saying I had only one small point I wished to make. "Not all of us were infected," I said. "One of us...abstained." Click Your Choice Back to START Child Development charts with age: A. Mental, Emotional, Social Development Of Children By Age: Chart Ages Mental Emotional Social 2-3 -attention span 3-4 minutes longer when he enjoys -short memory -Actions & objects much easier to understand than words -Confuse real & imaginary -Believes all you say -Able to choose between two possibilities Can follow two different directions -Extremely curious -Ritualistic: needs order in daily routines Repetition -Doesn't understand teasing -Meets frustration with crying, kicking, biting -Meets correction with temper outbursts -Completely self-centered -Willing to conform -With guidance, recognizes others' rights and waits briefly for own turn -Imitates parents in worship -Attitudes toward others, authority, parents, & God is formed in these years -Wants to help & please -Nervous system sensitive to over-stimulation by noise and confusion 4-5 -Have attention span of between 5-10 minutes -Reasoning is based on appearance, observation powers not accurate -No understanding of cause and effect -Unable to consider the motivation behind action -Fantasy is at its height Has a great imagination -Learns to develop attitudes concerning right and wrong -Tries to sort out real from what is pretend -Aware of what people think and say about him Fears people laughing at him -Enjoys obedience and thrives on praise -Imitates adults -Leadership is beginning to show and tends to be bossy -Can learn to share with one or two others -Learning to understand fairness 6-8 -Have attention span of 15-20 minutes -Are concrete and literal minded -Have little realization of chronological sequence -Tells you exactly how he feels: sick, happy, or miserable -Thrives on praise and acceptance -He exercises his feelings rather than self-control -Self-confidence in his ability to know what and how things are done -Are concerned about group acceptance -Likes to assert himself. Wants to be first, best, biggest and to win -Can begin to give of self. Starts to demonstrate generosity and kindness -Protective attitude toward younger children 9-12 -Have attention span of 30-45 minutes -Likes to be challenged -Can learn abstract concepts like sin -Growing understanding of principles behind rules -Self-righteously & rigidly applies his code of rules -Sensitive to his own failures and shortcomings -Able to see own actions & motives objectively -Able to analyze failures & makes plans to act change -They want to join, to become affiliated with the beliefs and values of the important adults in their lives -Can begin to sacrifice self-interest for others -Can learn not to compare himself with others B. Age/Behaviour chart in church services: See also: How to survive a church service with [your] small children! Age What To Do And Expect 0-1 Focus on food, rocking & movement, a soft toy will provide eye and touch stimulation. Clean up any mess. You are setting a good example and are encouraging many. 1-2 Continue with above except for food. Begin practicing to sit still. Don't let them wander around reserve soft toys for assembly time only. Remember your actions are teaching your children! 2-3 Can learn to sit quietly, sing, pray & give. Teach to face forward. Teach your children that we are here because we want to be. 3-4 Can learn to go to washroom before assembly. Bring less toys & more books. Teach them to keep their hands to themselves. Teach them 'we' are here to learn about God. 5 A clipboard with a pen that clicks closed will keep them occupied. Don't allow them to draw until the preacher begins his sermon. Teach them that 'they' are here to learn about God. 6 Buy easy read Bible as they begin grade 1. Child can start listening to the preacher. Have them check each time a certain word is used in sermon. Ask the preacher for this word. Teach them that they can only learn about God if they will listen. 7 Can be taught to listen. Ask questions after service about what they learned. Talk about lesson with them. Be positive & encourage them. Teach them they need to learn how to use Bible. 8+ The children can be expected to pay full attention, even taking notes. Teach them that they can find out the answers to their questions and their problems from God's Word. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Teaching Children To Work without Complaining!!! Click to View A mother who is a Christian in describing how her children are encouraged to work said: "Today the five and seven year olds at our house picked peas. The ten year old gathered green beans, while the fourteen year old pushed the cultivator up and down the rows of our beautiful garden. We picked two golden squash, our first cucumber, and two dozen beets, then all had a part in the preparation, and in the enjoyment of the first meal from our garden. This is an ideal arrangement in which our family can work together." This mother had the right idea. In our crowded cities and with our economy of specialization, the family as a unit at work is seldom possible. Because of this, we as parents must manufacture tasks. We must find ways of giving our children the joy of accomplishment, of seeing the fruits of their own labors, and of gaining confidence in themselves. The Jewish nation insisted that each child be taught a trade as well as a profession, to use his hands as well as his mind. Jesus said, "My Father worketh hitherto, and I work" John 5:17. In following his perfect example we will all be at work. Paul told the Thessalonians, "if any would not work, neither should he eat" II Thessalonians 3:10. If we as parents apply this precept in the training of our children, we will see that they learn to work. The child who does not learn to work will never make a success in life. We all recognize the desirability of training our children in the work habit, but the question is, "How can I?" First by example. The parent's attitude toward work will in a large part be the attitude of the child. Do I find every excuse for shirking my responsibility, whether it is working at home, or even a day's work at the church building? Let us first strive to do what our hands find to do with a song in our hearts, and the children will follow the example set for them. But it is not always possible to find happiness in our work, as children or as adults. Some things just have to be done. The habit of seeing a job through to its completion is extremely valuable to a child. This is a real challenge to parents. Can I be patient and firm in seeing that he finishes a job, when it is so much easier to do it myself, and it takes half the time? We must, of course, plan tasks suitable to the child's level of maturity. Praise should be given only for a job completed and done well. You have heard it said, "Don't do for a child what he can do for himself." Such simple tasks as picking up toys and dusting low furniture can be done by the very small child. As the child becomes older we might change this saying into, "Don't do for yourself what your child can do for you." The old lady who allows the boy scout to help her across the street is giving the boy much more than he gives her, for she gives him the feeling of being big and strong and of use in the world. The feeling of being needed, of being a necessary part of the activities of the home, and later of the community and of the church, will make for good citizenship. It will prepare your child for great service in the Kingdom. Let us pray for guidance and strength, that our children may become worthy laborers in God's vineyard. Click Your Choice Back to START How to show your children you love them! Click to View She has never heard any of her six children make a sound, but despite total deafness, she has found numerous ways to express genuine love to her family. At the wedding of one of her sons, she approached the boy with a kind of secret smile, presenting a small gift. Inside the package he found two strings neatly cut from his mother's apron. A unique way to express love that is willing to let go. Parental love is often pushy and over-protective when the real need is to stand aside. As baby takes his first shaky steps we want to extend a helping hand and there is an impulse to cover our eyes instead of watching that first wobbly bike ride, that first pulled tooth, the first day of school, the first night away from home, the first time alone in the family car. Every milestone of development brings a new test for love. Apron strings are cut but we have to begin cutting them soon after the birth of the child. Our mixed feelings are understandable. Love for our children causes us to be fearful for them as each new problem or challenge appears, but we know that overprotection will stifle their development. The mother bird, forcing her young from the nest appears cruel, but she does it for their own good. We demonstrate our love by preparing our children to be independent, not dependent. There is a thin line separating "mother love" from "smother love". It is natural for us to want our children to stay close to home after they marry and most grandparents want their grandchildren nearby. But that may not be best. A move across the continent may seem cruel to parents, but may mark the beginning of new life for the young adult who needs to learn to stand upon his own feet. The move of a child to a mission point half-way around the globe will tug and tear the heart strings of parents, but their willingness to graciously make such a sacrifice will spare the missionary much pain. Genuine family love communicates the importance of people rather than things. A young man came home one night much later than the hour his parents had set. Screeching into the driveway he found his brakes gone. Tearing through the garage door and half-way throught the back wall he knew that all hope of slipping in undetected was gone. He reluctantly made his way into the house. His father's first question was, "Son, are you hurt?" When the boy replied, "No," his father said, "That's what matters most. Go on to bed and we will talk about this in the morning." Now, many years later, his father long since deceased, the boy's eyes fill with tears with grateful remembrance as he says, "You don't know how much it meant to me to know that my father loved me more than cars and garages." Parents who love their children want the best for them, but we easily develop a distorted understanding of what is best. We want to give them mountains of superficial things, but providing the best means above all, that we provide encouragement and guidance for character development. Real love is sometimes soft and tender. At other times it is firm and unyielding. The parent who ignores discipline because he loves the child doesn't comprehend the real meaning of love. Solomon's analysis is, "He that spareth the rod, hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24). Love for our children will resemble God's love for his. "Whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth" (Hebrews 12:6). Confucius questioned, "Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object?" and the answer is emphatically no. Walt Whitman said, "I can never explain why I love anybody or anything". Love is difficult to explain, but it isn't difficult to detect. The loving Christian parent will accept the responsibility of the older to teach the young (Titus 2:3-5) knowing that teaching is done by both instruction and example. Hal Hubert said, "Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it". Let's pray for strength to imitate the example of him who showed his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). If we want our children to be honest and strong instead of cheap and weak, our love must not be counterfeit. It must be the real thing. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Parent's Responsibility to Children & the Bible Click to View While the Bible does not go into detail outlining exactly how each parent-child problem is dealt with, it does offer general guidelines that enable one to find through their application the right direction. One such guideline is suggested in Luke 2:51, a direct statement of the condition existing in the family of Jesus Christ. The passage reads, "And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and he was subject to them". The "he" in the passage was Jesus and the "them" was Mary and Joseph. The broad principle illustrated in this passage teaches that parents are given by God the authority to direct, guide, teach and discipline their children. If the son of God accepted the authority of earthly parents how much more ought the sons and daughters of men be under the authority of their parents. The next principle illustrated by this statement in Luke shows that children are to accept their direction and to be subject to their parents. To provide that direction for their children, parents must take the job of being parents seriously. Being a parent is much more than fulfilling a biological function. It means being concerned about every aspect of the child's growth and development. It means caring where the child is and who his friends are. It means knowing his interests and encouraging right and proper ones and discouraging - even forbidding - those that are inappropriate or dangerous. For a parent to say "I can't do anything with my child" is an admission of "I don't know how to be a parent". Again, the Bible speaks of this problem. In Ephesians 6:1-4, the Bible talks of children's responsibilities and fathers' responsibilities. Although the Bible in this passage mentions only father, the spirit of the text implies the work of mother, too. First these verses say, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right". And then the passage continues, "And you fathers provoke not your children to wrath, but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord". The children are called upon to be obedient to the parents. This is not license for cruel or inhuman treatment by parents, for the Bible adds the qualifying phrase, "In the Lord". Children have the right to expect reasonable direction and guidance from their parents, and the parents are called upon to nurture their children. That is, to rear them, to bring them up, in the "chastening and admonition of the Lord". That final phrase means that the parents are to imitate God as much as possible in the admonishing or urging given to the children, and also to imitate God in punishing when such becomes necessary. It is chastening or punishing based upon love, not revenge; upon caring, not indifference; upon betterment, not defeat. Let me suggest these simple rules in assuming the responsibility of being a parent. First, pray often for understanding, patience and skill. Secondly, treat your child as a human being who deserves respect and authority. Thirdly, apply the golden rule of the Bible, which we so often simplify as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". And fourthly, don't wait until tomorrow to start! Start yesterday. I mean by that, don't be afraid to admit that something done in the past was wrong. When you've been wrong, admit it and show that you want to do better. Finally, the children we train today will be the parents of tomorrow. We must do-better than just teach them all the things they will determine never to do when they are parents. In Colossians 3:21, the writer said (again to the fathers), "Provoke not your children that they be not discouraged". A good prayer to remember is this, "Father, these are your children on loan to me. Help me to teach them in such a way that they will one day return to you and you will want them. Help me never to discourage their growth as your children. In Jesus name, Amen". May the Lord bless you in the rearing of your children. Click Your Choice Back to START Parent's Responsibility to Children & the Bible Click to View While the Bible does not go into detail outlining exactly how each parent-child problem is dealt with, it does offer general guidelines that enable one to find through their application the right direction. One such guideline is suggested in Luke 2:51, a direct statement of the condition existing in the family of Jesus Christ. The passage reads, "And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and he was subject to them". The "he" in the passage was Jesus and the "them" was Mary and Joseph. The broad principle illustrated in this passage teaches that parents are given by God the authority to direct, guide, teach and discipline their children. If the son of God accepted the authority of earthly parents how much more ought the sons and daughters of men be under the authority of their parents. The next principle illustrated by this statement in Luke shows that children are to accept their direction and to be subject to their parents. To provide that direction for their children, parents must take the job of being parents seriously. Being a parent is much more than fulfilling a biological function. It means being concerned about every aspect of the child's growth and development. It means caring where the child is and who his friends are. It means knowing his interests and encouraging right and proper ones and discouraging - even forbidding - those that are inappropriate or dangerous. For a parent to say "I can't do anything with my child" is an admission of "I don't know how to be a parent". Again, the Bible speaks of this problem. In Ephesians 6:1-4, the Bible talks of children's responsibilities and fathers' responsibilities. Although the Bible in this passage mentions only father, the spirit of the text implies the work of mother, too. First these verses say, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right". And then the passage continues, "And you fathers provoke not your children to wrath, but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord". The children are called upon to be obedient to the parents. This is not license for cruel or inhuman treatment by parents, for the Bible adds the qualifying phrase, "In the Lord". Children have the right to expect reasonable direction and guidance from their parents, and the parents are called upon to nurture their children. That is, to rear them, to bring them up, in the "chastening and admonition of the Lord". That final phrase means that the parents are to imitate God as much as possible in the admonishing or urging given to the children, and also to imitate God in punishing when such becomes necessary. It is chastening or punishing based upon love, not revenge; upon caring, not indifference; upon betterment, not defeat. Let me suggest these simple rules in assuming the responsibility of being a parent. First, pray often for understanding, patience and skill. Secondly, treat your child as a human being who deserves respect and authority. Thirdly, apply the golden rule of the Bible, which we so often simplify as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". And fourthly, don't wait until tomorrow to start! Start yesterday. I mean by that, don't be afraid to admit that something done in the past was wrong. When you've been wrong, admit it and show that you want to do better. Finally, the children we train today will be the parents of tomorrow. We must do-better than just teach them all the things they will determine never to do when they are parents. In Colossians 3:21, the writer said (again to the fathers), "Provoke not your children that they be not discouraged". A good prayer to remember is this, "Father, these are your children on loan to me. Help me to teach them in such a way that they will one day return to you and you will want them. Help me never to discourage their growth as your children. In Jesus name, Amen". May the Lord bless you in the rearing of your children. Click Your Choice Back to START How To Understand Your Teenager & the Bible Click to View A few years ago one of our major magazines reported the tragic story of a father who shot and killed his seventeen-year-old son in a "violent showdown over drugs." This hardworking father was on the job ten hours daily, plus handling a part-time job. He was a little league coach and a Cub Scout Committee member. He said he had deeply loved his son but nursed a hatred for what the boy had become. The shy son had sought adjustment through drugs, had become a pusher, and had fallen into a pattern of arguing and fighting with his father. The "showdown" saw the son, crazed with drugs descending the cellar steps with a steak knife in hand, and the father standing at the foot of the steps with a pistol. This example tugs at the heart of every father who has repeatedly called home explaining that he must work late, or whose nerves will not tolerate children's play at the end of a working day. We fathers sometimes point the finger at working mothers as the cause of children's downfall. After all, forty percent of today's American women Are employed outside the home. We insist that rearing children is primarily the mother's responsibility. Who decided that? Most likely men. The Bible certainly did not. The Bible's description of family relationships begins with God and ends with human understanding (Colossians 3:18; I Thessalonians 2:11-12). And understanding begins with love. Who has not noticed that grandparents usually get along with grandchildren better than parents? Grandparents have learned, by the experience of years, the tremendous effectiveness of love. Security and stability come, not through material things, but through real love in the home. The child must be made to understand, even when he is punished that is for his own good. Our understanding of our children and our expression of love for them involves "being with them" - in mind as well as body. Since parents and children do not work together in the fields or in prolonged household chores as they once did, other opportunities of being together must be found. Work and school responsibilities result in prolonged absences from each other. And even when we are at home, the newspaper often gets more attention than the child. Observing a "Family Night" can help bring us together with regularity. But there is also a need to lunch or play with one child at a time in order that individual needs can be sensed. If we come home tired, or upset, or bring work responsibilities home through worry and long evening hours of paper work, relationships are sure to suffer. Tragically, we often reserve our worst behavior for those we love most. In developing understanding between ourselves and our children, we need to be as affirmative as possible. Children reared in a positive atmosphere develop more wholesome personalities than those who constantly hear the words "No Stop - and Don't." Although firm discipline is clearly taught in the Bible, in passages such as Proverbs 29:15-17, the scriptures also warn that we can discourage our children by "overcorrecting" them (Colossians 3:21). A half million youngsters in the United States run away from home each year, while many of them leave as a result of headstrong attitudes brought on by a loose and permissive upbringing. Thousands of others are driven away by the unreasonable and over-reactive criticism of parents who find it easier to provide harsh, critical outbursts than to be a real parent. Seeing things from the child's point of view is difficult, but necessary for real understanding. The concerned parent does not ignore hair length or dress codes, but he seeks principles rather than pointing only to customs. The child should be given reasons, not simply flat commands. Success in forming a friendship with a child comes in direct proportion to our willingness to get on our knees and talk with the child at eye level. We look like giants to them, but when we consider their viewpoint, they warm to our interes Patience is a vital factor in understanding, also. There is a difficult balance between not expecting children to become adults too soon and not trying to keep them babies too long. We show impatience when we measure them by our own years and scold them because they have not reached a t expectations. Even when we have been impatient, our children respond with a goodnight hug as if nothing unpleasant has happened. And gradually we learn patience with their faults as they must with ours. In closing this discussion may we emphasize again that the purpose of this presentation is not to encourage a lack of firm, loving discipline, but rather is to encourage each of us to remember that children are people too, and as such have rights and feelings which are as real as our own. Click Your Choice Back to START Santa-Claus is God in the eyes of young children! Do you lie to your children? Click to View Remember the excitement of Christmas eve as children when we couldn't get to sleep. We were awaiting the arrival of Santa-Claus. We were told that "He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake". Now children know Santa-Claus lives far away on the North pole and they have never met him. Children can understand how parents know if they've been bad or good, but for a perfect stranger that lives far away to know when they are sleeping or awake is nothing short of supernatural. In fact Santa-Claus to a child is an exact representation of God to an adult. Children are taught to believe in this "all knowing", "always present", "all powerful" giver of best gifts. In fact, a child's faith in Santa-Claus is in my opinion more powerful than their faith in God himself. I am reminded of a boy in my grade 2 class. It was just before Christmas break and the whole class was excited. One boy discovered that Jamie, a fellow classmate, still believed in Santa-Claus. The whole class ridiculed Jamie so bad that he ran out of the class and cried all the way home. My heart still goes out to Jamie. Yet in reality most children learn that Santa-Claus doesn't really exist by mocking of older children or peers as in Jamie's case. Older siblings love to laugh at younger siblings when parents give approval to "pop" the Santa-Claus bubble of the young and faithful. Now this is where the danger lies. Every year, millions of children suddenly have their faith "shattered" in this "all knowing", "omni-present", "all-powerful" Santa-Claus. This must damage their ability to have faith in the one true God who really does exist. No wonder adults usually visualize God as a kind old man and Jesus as baby in a Christmas nativity scene. This is how they were taught about God and Jesus as children. Since Christmas is not found in the Bible, I believe parents would be well advised to participate in Santa-Claus as a game. Teach children that Santa-Claus is a myth and a fairy-tale on their first Christmas. Play the "Santa-Claus game" but protect your children's faith in God by seeking out and destroying any "faith" they have in Santa-Claus. Otherwise, imagine this: Your 13 year old hears the preacher talk about God the Father, as an all knowing, all powerful giver of the gift of eternal salvation in his Sunday sermon. The preacher then encourages all to have faith in God. But "once bitten, twice shy". Your young teen thinks to himself, "Dejavu! I know when I am an adult, that I will learn that Jesus was just a myth and that church is just a game, just like Santa-Claus". Playing the "Santa-Claus game" doesn't take any of the fun or joy out of Christmas for children. In fact they may enjoy it more! By Steve Rudd Click to View Even Santa Knows that: "A lie is a lie is a lie"! My mother's parents taught her to believe in Santa Claus. My mom said it hurt her deeply when she discovered that they had lied to her, so she didn't want to lie to us. My dad was just very, very spiritual and refused to lie to us. So I never believed in Santa Claus. My husband was taught to believe in Santa Claus but did not want to lie to our children. We took a lot of heat from his family because we refused to lie to our children. My children are grateful to us that we did not lie to them. A couple of them got in trouble at school and got taken out of class and reprimanded because they told their fellow kindergartners that Santa didn't exist. Do we love our children or don't we? If we can look into their innocent little faces and lie through our teeth to them, then we absolutely do not love them. They trust us. They depend on us to tell them the truth. What kind of horrible parents are we if we would say, "Oh, don't listen to Johnny. You know I will tell you the truth. Of course Santa exists"? Well, you know what? When they find out it isn't so, we shouldn't expect them to listen when we tell them God exists. At least I wouldn't. If my parents had lied to me about one thing I would have figured they'd lie about something else. Or they were so stupid they didn't know reality from fiction. Do we want our children to be ignorant? If they asked us why grass is green would we fill their pure little minds with some kind of story about fairies dropping green food coloring on the grass or would we tell them the truth? Do we want our children to be IGNORANT? Mercy, the truth is all there is in this world! A lie is a lie is a lie, and no matter how we want to sugarcoat it it's still going to be a lie. All liars will have their part in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone. And surely lying to children has to be the worst kind of lie of all. We can compare Santa to Bugs Bunny all we want but our children KNOW Bugs is just a cartoon figure. They really and truly believe that a big fat bearded man comes down a chimney to give them presents. How anyone could deceive their own children that they gave birth to and deliberately make them ignorant so that they are laughingstocks to children with honest parents is beyond me. Do all good gifts come from God or do they come from Santa Claus? Sorry, this is one of my soapboxes. As far as I'm concerned this topic ought not to need discussion. Anybody with half a brain in his head knows that lying is a sin. And since Santa doesn't exist, to say he does is to lie. By Tina Collins Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA How can I prevent my children from becoming homosexual? There is a "vaccination" for homosexuality! How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. Many pastors, like Carl, find this to be true with homosexuals. The number one criterion for the success in crisis intervention is the desire of the homosexual person to change. Without that, all the good intentions and techniques by the counselor will have little effect. That desire to rebuild from ground up evidently was missing in Ted. (J. D. Berkley, Called into crisis, 1989, Vol. 18, p 103) Click to View A Vaccine to prevent Homosexuality! Inoculate your children! Email replies welcome. Also: The Bible condemns homosexual sex! Less than 1% are homosexual! A new Statistics Canada health survey is the first to effort to measure the sexual orientation of the population. According to figures from the Canadian Community Health Survey, released Tuesday June 15, 2004, one per cent of Canadians say they are homosexual. The Canadian Community Health Survey, is based on information collected from 135,000 people and is considered to be extremely accurate. Homosexual activists continue to use the 10% figure, even though they know is as invalid as it is fraudulent. Vaccination for homosexuality? YES! While worldly fathers are so afraid to hug, kiss and cuddle their sons for fear they turn him into a sissy. The opposite is in fact true! Fathers in the world worry about their sons becoming homosexual and emotionally withdraw and become tough and macho with their sons. This will actually make your children more likely to turn into homosexuals! The vaccination for homosexuality is in fact this: Fathers, spend time with your children and hug and kiss and cuddle them and show them love and affection! Amazingly, Hollywood movies and sit-coms have begun to cast their frequent homosexual characters as having normal loving relationships with their fathers. Just another example of how producers of Hollywood are attempting to change society's views contrary to the facts of homosexuality. Click to View The Bible condemns homosexual sex! Click to View The scientific research contained in a book called, "The Unhappy Gays" confirms this. The book also makes it clear that homosexuals are "made not born" homosexual. Fathers play a significant role in the raising of children in many areas and a father's actions can be critical in preventing his children from becoming both homosexual or lesbian. As the Doc says: "A former homosexual who has carried on an effective ministry for five years among homosexuals reported, 'I have counseled over three hundred homosexuals and have yet to find one that enjoyed a warm love relationship with his father.'" What Causes Homosexuality? From book: THE UNHAPPY GAYS pages 71-76 Returning again to the subject of temperament, I would like to reinforce my statement that not all those with predominant Melancholy temperaments in the arts, etc., are homosexual. I introduced the concept here not to embarrass or burden people with a Melancholy temperament, but to encourage parents of Melancholy children to go out of their way to love them. I have noticed that every homosexual I have encountered or have discussed with other counselors possesses an enormous hunger for love. This powerful drive to love and to attract love is typical not only of homosexuals but of Melancholy's. Inadequate Parental Relationships Parents are easily the most important external force in the life of any child and, as would be suspected, contribute largely to the homosexual or heterosexual predisposition of their children. A professor of psychiatry at one of the nation's leading medical schools stated, "Current research indicates that the family most likely to produce a homosexual comprises a very intimate, possessive and dominating mother and a detached, hostile father. Many mothers of lesbians tend to be hostile and competitive with their daughters. The fathers of female homosexuals seldom appear to play a dominant role in the family and have considerable difficulty being openly affectionate with their daughters." Most of the new books on homosexuality contain the report by Dr. Irving Bieber, who studied the family backgrounds of 106 male homosexuals. According to his discoveries, eighty-one mothers were dominating, sixty-two were overprotective, sixty-six made the homosexual their favorite child, eighty-two of the fathers spent very little time with their sons, and seventy-nine maintained a detached attitude toward them.22 As important as the father is in the life of a child, even he must take second place to mother during the first three years of life. she feeds the baby at her breast and spends far more time with him in infancy than does his dad. Consequently, mothers actually have more to do with producing a predisposition toward homosexuality than fathers. Two kinds of mothers are particularly harmful-smother mothers and dominating mothers. Smother Mothers Every child needs love, but few things are worse than an overprotective, smothering affection that is showered on an infant, not for his benefit but for the mother's. Many a love-starved young mother satisfies her love hunger on her child until he is the primary object in her life. The more she bestows her affection, time, and attention on her child, the more she neglects her husband. This may turn him further from her and the child, compounding the problem. Dr. Howard Hendricks used to say in Family Seminars which he and I held together that ' ' whenever a mother makes her son number one in her life, she begins to raise a pervert. " In other words, it is normal for a boy to be number two in the heart of his mother, for he doesn't feel threatened when he knows father is number one. But when mother and father cannot preserve a love relationship and she makes the child number one, he is in trouble. He may begin to identify with her, take an interest in feminine things, and develop effeminate mannerisms. Such concerns start early in life and are very difficult to break. One veteran homosexual in the counseling room complained that his mother was "overprotective and smothering.'' He illustrated the latter by saying, "She never hesitated to embarrass me. she thought nothing of unzipping my pants to tuck in my shirt. Between that and wiping my nose, she was all over me.'' Throughout history, researchers have repeatedly verified that homosexuals are ''mama's boys" whose mothers doted on them in their youth. Tchaikovsky, Michelangelo, and Freud are notable examples. Insecure mothers who have a need to be needed take out that compulsion on their infant or small child to the detriment of the child's personality. Some call it love, but it is not! In reality, it is a form of selfishness, and it probably constitutes one of the leading causes in the rise of homosexuality. In recent years it has become fashionable for an unwed mother who heeds the advice of sexual permissivists to raise her child alone. I always wince when I see this, not because a mother can't raise her son alone (my brother and I were raised by a widowed mother, and my brother was only seven weeks old when Father died, so I know it can be done), but most of those girls have the wrong motive. They are usually love-starved girls who want something living to love and often end up "smother loving" a child into a predisposition toward homosexuality. Dominant Mothers One of the sociological phenomena of our times is the enormous increase in the dominant role of the mother and the renunciation by the father of his responsibility to lead. In some cases dominance is forced upon women because of an irresponsible husband. But nothing ruins the sexual adjustment of children more surely than an oppressive wife and mother. Such children build up an intense hostility toward the opposite sex that either makes it difficult for them to show love and affection in marriage or creates a predisposition toward homosexuality. A Passive or Absent Fathers Father may only be the secondary influence in the life of his children, but since he is second in importance, we should consider him carefully. I have never counseled a homosexual, read one's case history, heard another counselor discuss a client, or listened to the testimony of a former homosexual but that I was informed that the deviant had either a bad relationship with his father or none at all. No doubt some homosexual somewhere has climbed over the positive force of his father's love and masculine role example to become homosexual, but in the many cases I have studied, I cannot name one. A father's most precious gift to his son or daughter is not food, shelter, and education, but love-and he must prove that love by spending time with his child. A former homosexual, now a minister who is effectively helping homosexuals out of their life style, relates a most traumatic childhood experience that shows the importance of the father. Long before he ever felt a "twinge of homosexuality," he was out in the garage with his father, overhauling the car. From under the car came the commanding voice, "Hand me the crescent wrench." He had no idea what a crescent wrench was, so he replied, "I can't find it." His hostile father erupted in an angry spirit, sprang to his feet, and located it in clear view. Cuffing his son on the side of the head, he called him a vile name, rebuked him for being so stupid, and shouted, "Go into the house and help your mother with the girls' work. You obviously aren't cut out for a man's job. " When a small boy's father claims he is more girl-like than male, what is he to believe? Today, having shed the homosexual practices of many agonizing years, this man is still effeminate in his mannerisms, but he struggles valiantly to be accepted as "straight." Father's love and approval of his manhood is very important to any boy, particularly one who manifests other tendencies which may develop a predisposition toward homosexuality. Dr. Irvin Bieber, a psychiatrist acclaimed by the Miami Herald as "one of the most authoritative students of homosexuality in America," said, "Homosexuals are not born that way; they are made that way largely by their parents. " According to a nationally known psychiatrist, the background of homosexuals fits a common pattern. Father is frequently absent from the home, and thus Mother turns to the boy as an outlet for her emotional needs. A boy needs to identify with his father's masculinity; we need to bring Father back into the home, and the father and son must spend time together. A former homosexual who has carried on an effective ministry for five years among homosexuals reported, "I have counseled over three hundred homosexuals and have yet to find one that enjoyed a warm love relationship with his father." The best way to stamp out homosexuality in this country is for parents to get back to the business of making parenthood their priority. Children raised in loving, well-disciplined homes where Mother and Father are themselves good role models for their children rarely become homosexual. Unfortunately, unloved children subjected to the selfish neglect of their parents are vulnerable to a predisposition toward homosexuality. This year divorce may reach 1,100,000, bringing to eleven million the number of children to be raised by one parent. It is estimated that because of divorce, twenty-five to thirty million children up to eighteen years of age will spend a portion of their childhood raised by one parent. A psychiatrist told me, "Every homosexual I know has come from a broken home." My own experience is not that conclusive but I have found that every homosexual I know came from an unhappy home where fighting and hatred abounded between the parents, who usually proceeded with a divorce. Permissive Childhood Training The most harmful concept in the field of child raising during the past 100 years has been permissiveness. It is hard to believe that such a destructive doctrine could catch on so quickly and sweep the country with such force. Although thoroughly discredited now, it has wrought havoc on millions. Perhaps its popularity can be attributed to the fact that the discipline of children is burdensome to parents. But only parental discipline will enable young people to grow up to become responsible, self-disciplined adults. A recent study of criminals indicated that those individuals treated to a well-moderated program of love and discipline in their youth reflected the lowest tendency toward crime. Interestingly enough, the same would be true of homosexuals. I have found in digging into their backgrounds that they were either rejected or pampered as children. I have met only one homosexual who was not a self-indulgent, self-centered, undisciplined individual. The only motivation that seems to make them forceful is their pursuit of sexual gratification and their demand to be accepted by society as "perfectly normal." This lack of discipline makes it easy for many with a predisposition toward homosexuality to take up the practice at the first opportunity, and it is largely the reason they find it so difficult to extricate themselves from it when they finally wake up to the realization it is an "ungay" life style. Click to View The Bible condemns homosexual sex! Click to View FATHERS OF MALE HOMOSEXUALS: A Collective Clinical Profile by Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D. It is widely agreed that many factors likely contribute to the formation of male homosexuality. One factor may be the predisposing biological influence of temperament (Byne and Parsons, l993). No scientific evidence, however, shows homosexuality to be directly inherited in the sense that eye color is inherited (Satinover, 1996). Recent political pressure has resulted in a denial of the importance of the factor most strongly implicated by decades of previous clinical research--developmental factors, particularly the influence of parents. A review of the literature on male homosexuality reveals extensive reference to the prehomosexual boy's relational problems with both parents (West 1959, Socarides 1978, Evans 1969); among some researchers, the father-son relationship has been particularly implicated (Bieber et al 1962, Moberly 1983). One psychoanalytic hypothesis for the connection between poor early father-son relationship and homosexuality is that during the critical gender-identity phase of development, the boy perceives the father as rejecting. As a result, he grows up failing to fully identify with his father and the masculinity he represents. Nonmasculine or feminine behavior in boyhood has been repeatedly shown to be correlated with later homosexuality (Green, l987, Zuger, l988); taken together with related factors--particularly the often-reported alienation from same-sex peers and poor relationship with father--this suggests a failure to fully gender-identify. In its more extreme form, this same syndrome (usually resulting in homosexuality) is diagnosed as Childhood Gender-Identity Deficit (Zucker and Bradley, 1996). One likely cause for "failure to identify" is a narcissistic injury inflicted by the father onto the son (who is usually temperamentally sensitive) during the preoedipal stage of the boy's development. This hurt appears to have been inflicted during the critical gender-identity phase when the boy must undertake the task of assuming a masculine identification. The hurt manifests itself as a defensive detachment from masculinity in the self, and in others. As an adult, the homosexual is often characterized by this complex which takes the form of "the hurt little boy" (Nicolosi, 1991). During the course of my treatment of ego-dystonic male homosexuals, I have sometimes requested that fathers participate in their sons' treatment. Thus I have been able to familiarize myself with some of the fathers' most common personality traits. This discussion attempts to identify some clinical features common to those fathers of homosexuals. For this report, I have focused on sixteen fathers who I consider typical in my practice--twelve fathers of homosexual sons (mid-teens to early 30's), and four fathers of young, gender-disturbed, evidently prehomosexual boys (4- to 7- year-olds). The vast majority of these fathers appeared to be psychologically normal and, also like most fathers, well-intentioned with regard to their sons; in only one case was the father seriously disturbed, inflicting significant emotional cruelty upon his son. However as a group, these fathers were characterized by the inability to counter their sons' defensive detachment from them. They felt helpless to attract the boy into their own masculine sphere. Clinical Impressions. As a whole, these fathers could be characterized as emotionally avoidant. Exploration of their histories revealed that they had typically had poor relationships with their own fathers. They tended to defer to their wives in emotional matters and appeared particularly dependent on them to be their guides, interpreters and spokespersons. While these men expressed sincere hope that their sons would transition to heterosexuality, nevertheless they proved incapable of living up to a long-term commitment to help them toward that goal. In his first conjoint session, one father cried openly as his 15-year-old son expressed his deep disappointment with him; yet for months afterward, he would drive his son to his appointment without saying a word to him in the car. Further, while they often appeared to be gregarious and popular, these fathers tended not to have significant male friendships. The extent to which they lacked the ability for male emotional encounter was too consistent and pronounced to be dismissed as simply "typical of the American male." Rather, my clinical impression of these fathers as a group was that there existed some significant limitation in their ability to engage emotionally with males. From their sons' earliest years, these fathers showed a considerable variation in their ability to recognize and respond to the boys' emotional withdrawal from them. Some naively reported their perception of having had a "great" relationship with their sons, while their sons themselves described the relationship as having been "terrible." Approximately half the fathers, however, sadly admitted that the relationship was always poor and, in retrospect, perceived their sons as rejecting them from early childhood. Why their sons rejected them remained for most fathers a mystery, and they could only express a helpless sense of resignation and confusion. When pushed, these men would go further to express hurt and deep sadness. Ironically, these sentiments--helplessness, hurt and confusion--seemed to be mutual; they are the same expressed by my clients in describing their own feelings in the relationship with their fathers. The trait common to fathers of homosexuals seemed to be an incapacity to summon the ability to correct relational problems with their sons. All the men reported feeling "stuck" and helpless in the face of their sons' indifference or explicit rejection of them. Rather than actively extending themselves, they seemed characteristically inclined to retreat, avoid and feel hurt. Preoccupied with self-protection and unwilling to risk the vulnerability required to give to their sons, they were unable to close the emotional breach. Some showed narcissistic personality features. Some fathers were severe and capable of harsh criticism; some were brittle and rigid; overall, most were soft, weak and placid, with a characteristic emotional inadequacy. The term that comes to mind is the classic psycholanalytic term "acquiescent" - the acquiescent father. Homosexuality is almost certainly due to multiple factors and cannot be reduced soley to a faulty father-son relationship. Fathers of homosexual sons are usually also fathers of heterosexual sons--so the personality of the father is clearly not the sole cause of homosexuality. Other factors I have seen in the development of homosexuality include a hostile, feared older brother; a mother who is a very warm and attractive personality and proves more appealing to the boy than an emotionally removed father; a mother who is actively disdainful of masculinity; childhood seduction by another male; peer labelling of the boy due to poor athletic ability or timidity; in recent years, cultural factors encouraging a confused and uncertain youngster into an embracing gay community; and in the boy himself, a particularly sensitive, relatively fragile, often passive disposition. At the same time, we cannot ignore the striking commonality of these fathers' personalities. In two cases, the fathers were very involved and deeply committed to the treatment of their sons, but conceded that they were not emotionally present during their sons' early years. In both cases it was not personality, but circumstance that caused the fathers' emotional distance. In one case the father was a surgeon from New Jersey who reported atteding medical school while trying to provide financial support for his young family of three children. The second father, an auto mechanic from Arizona, reported that when he was only 21 years old, he was forced to marry the boy's mother because she was pregnant. He admitted never loving the boy's mother, having been physically absent from the home, and essentially having abandoned both mother and boy. Both fathers, now more mature and committed to re-establishing contact with their sons, participated enthusiastically in their therapy. But in both cases, the sons had, by then, become resistant to establishing an emotional connection with their fathers. Attempt at Therapeutic Dialogue. My overall impression of fathers in conjoint sessions was of a sense of helplessness, discomfort and awkwardness when required to directly interact with their sons. These men tended not to trust psychological concepts and communication techniques and often seemed confused and easily overwhelmed with the challenge to dialogue in depth. Instructions which I offered during consultation, when followed, were followed literally, mechanically and without spontaneity. A mutual antipathy, a stubborn resistance and a deep grievance on the part of both fathers and sons was clearly observable. At times I felt myself placed in the position of "mother interpreter," a role encouraged by fathers and at times by sons. As "mother interpreter," I found myself inferring feeling and intent from the father's fragmented phrases and conveying that fuller meaning to the son, and vice versa from son to father. Some fathers expressed concern with "saying the wrong thing," while others seemed paralyzed by fear. During dialogue, fathers demonstrated great difficulty in getting past their own self-consciousness and their own reactions to what their sons were saying. This limited their empathetic attunement to the therapeutic situation, and to their sons' position and feelings. As their sons spoke to them, these fathers seemed blocked and unable to respond. Often they could only respond by saying that they were "too confused," "too hurt," or "too frustrated" to dialogue. One father said he was "too angry" to attend the sessions of his teenage son--a message conveyed to me by the mother. At the slightest sign of improvement in the father-son relationship, a few fathers seemed too ready to flee, concluding "Everything is okay - can I go now?" Treatment Interventions Before conjoint father-son sessions begin, the client should be helped to gain a clear sense of what he wants from his father. To simply expose the father to a list of complaints is of no value. He should also decide on a clear, constructive way to ask for this. Such preparation shifts the son from a position of helpless complaining, to staying centered on his genuine needs and the effective expression of them. The Deadly Dilemma. Eventually, within the course of conjoint sessions a particular point will be reached which I call "the deadly dilemma." This deadlock in dialogue--which seems to duplicate the earliest father-son rupture--occurs in two phases as follows: Phase 1: With the therapist's assistance, the son expresses his needs and wants to his father. Hearing his son, the father becomes emotionally affected, so much so that he cannot respond to his son's disclosure. He is overwhelmed by his own reactions, becoming so "angered," "hurt," "upset," or "confused" that he cannot attend to his son's needs. Blocked by his own internal reactions, he is unable to give what his son asks of him. Phase 2: In turn, the son is unable to tolerate his father's insular emotional reaction in place of the affirmative response he seeks from him. To accept his father's non-responses, the son feels he must abandon the needs he has expressed. The only recourse for the son is to retreat again to the defensive distancing which is already at the core of the father-son relationship. The son cannot empathize with the father's non-responsiveness because to do so is painfully reminiscent of childhood patterns that are associated with his own deep hurt and anger: namely the imperative, "My father's needs must always come before mine." The son's hurt and anger is in reaction to what appears to him to be "just more lame excuses" for Dad's inability to give the attention, affection or approval he has so long desired from him. Indeed, to the son this seems like Dad's old ploy, with all the associated historical pain. This deadly dilemma originated, I believe, during the preverbal level of infancy. As one father's recollections confirmed, "My son would never look at me. I would hold his face with my hands and force him to look at me, but he would always avert his eyes." Other men have described an "unnatural indifference" to their fathers during their growing-up years. During the course of therapy with these fathers, I began to see the deep hurt in them--a hurt that came from their sons' indifference to their attempts (however meager) to improve the relationship. Reflecting on his now-elderly father, one client sadly recalled: "I feel sorry for my father. He always had a certain insensitivity, an emotional incompetence. Many of the interactions at home simply went over his head. He was dense, inadequate. I feel a pity for him." These fathers appeared unwilling or unable to be open and vulnerable to their sons; unable to reach out, to hear their sons' pain and anger with respect to them, and unable to respond honestly. Their emotional availability was blocked and they were unable to turn the relational problem around. Rather they remained removed, seemingly dispassionate and helpless. In conjoint sessions, none of the fathers were incapable of taking the lead in dialogue. When dialogue became stagnant, they were unable to initiate communication. I believe the consistent inability of these fathers to get past their own blocks and reach out to their sons played a significant role in these boys' inability to move forward into full, normal masculine identification and heterosexuality. Bibliography Bieber, I. et al (1962) Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study of Male Homosexuals. New York: Basic Books. Byne, W. and Parsons, B., "Human sexual orientation: the biologic theories reappraised," Archives of General Psychiatry, vol. 50:228-239, March l993. Evans, R. (1969). Childhood parental relationships of homosexual men. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 33:129-135. Green, Richard (l987) "The Sissy Boy Syndrome" and the Development of Homosexuality. New Haven, Ct.: Yale U. Press. Moberly, Elizabeth (1983) Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic. Greenwood, S.C.: Attic Press. Nicolosi, Joseph (l991) Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality; A New Clinical Approach. Northvale, N.J.: Jason Aronson, 1991. Satinover, J. (1996). Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books. Socarides, Charles (1978). Homosexuality. New York: Jason Aronson. West, D.J. (1959). Parental figures in the genesis of male homosexuality. International Journal of Social Psychiatry 5:85-97. Zucker, K. and Bradley, S. (1995) Gender Identity Disorder and Psychosexual Problems in Children and Adolescents. N.Y.: The Guilford Press. Zuger, Bernard (l988) Is Early Effeminate Behavior in Boys Early Homosexuality? Comprehensive Psychiatry, vol. 29, no. 5 (September/October) p. 509-519. Click to View "Save Our Children" from homosexual recruitment. After being hit in the face with a fruit pie, she started to pray seconds later: "Father, I want to ask that you forgive him and that we love him and that we're praying for him to be delivered from his deviant lifestyle." (Des Moines, Iowa, October 14, 1977) Click to View The Bible condemns homosexual sex! Email replies welcome. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA