MARRIAGE IN CHRISTIAN FAMILIES

Planning For Marriage Long time marriages are disintegrating, young people repudiate marriage and experiment with other alternatives, rights previously reserved for marriage are exercised through other relationships, and yet young people keep right on marrying. Many a marriage fails before it starts because it is without preparation. Of all forms of marriage, Christian marriage is best suited to social stability and individual enrichment and is what God expects of the Christian who relies on his promises of salvation. Christian marriage is a life-time commitment. The Bible says, "Let not the wife depart from her husband and let not the husband put away his wife". Christian marriage involves love and consideration. Ephesians 5:33 says, "Let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself and the wife see that she reverence her husband". Christian marriage offers legitimate and fulfilling sexual gratification, blessed by God, to which it is rightfully confined. I Corinthians 7: 3,4, says "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence, and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband, and likewise also the husband hath not power of his body, but the wife". The first priority in preparation for marriage is to recognize God's way and to be ready to commit oneself for the lifetime of the two. The second priority is to find someone with whom one can enjoy compatibility and willingly make such a commitment. "The two shall be one flesh", says Jesus in Matthew 19:5. To join two incompatible people would certainly make a grotesque union. Compatibility means both have the same goals, exploring one another's love, whispering sweet things into each other's ears and experiencing certain legitimate intimacies, are certainly highly enjoyable in courtship, but exploration of the real person is essential to adequate preparation. While not neglecting the communication of love, be sure each has the same goals in life and in marriage. Equally essential to compatibility is equal means of reaching the goals. Having the same goals alone can blind two to conflicts which can arise in day to day details of life, as each strives independently for these same goals. Compatibility further means that each is considerate of each others concept of his or her role in marriage. In this age when roles are confused, this is especially important. Be sensitive to role communication. Also beware of trying to change the mate, either before or after marriage. Deep seated personality traits, superficially adjusted to please a fiancée, have a way of reappearing later. This applies to all aspects of life: sex, children, occupation, location of home, religion, recreation, household responsibilities, money, savings, personal freedom everything affecting life with each other. However, do not expect perfect harmony, but be sure that there is enough reasonable agreement and love to enable two to grow more compatible through the years. There will be conflicts, tensions and differences. Working these out and growing together can be satisfying and even fun. Then when you grow old together and the children are gone, you can take great comfort in one another's company and you will be able to say, "Marrying him (or her) was the best thing I ever did! Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Ladies: He is great as a date... Click to View but how about as a mate??? (The Choice of a Lifetime) "Two roads diverged in a wood and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost The choices we make add up to the sum of our lives. For a woman, there is one choice that will be the most important one you will ever make: whom will you marry? A wise woman will spend much time in thought on this subject. After all, the person you decide to put in authority over you will have everything to say about your life. He will be your leader. As a Christian, there is only one command that God gives a wife: submit to your husband. Since this is specifically stated in Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18, shouldn't we take this seriously? We should always be looking for the man we love, but we need to be able to fulfill God's command as well. Shouldn't we give some thought as to who we are dating? After all, we are entrusting our whole lives to these men, shouldn't we elevate our standards a little? A woman should never have to settle for less than what she considers the best of the best. Men know how to impress women. Hundreds books have been written on the subject. Countless sonnets have been written to woo us. Men know all the emotional strings to pull. Women who are looking for a husband need to be able to look into those puppy dog eyes and ask themselves, "Could I submit to this man for the rest of my life?" The next question that needs to be answered, as he is telling you that you are the most radiant of God's creatures is, "Do I feel he is capable of leading me?" If you can't answer yes to both questions, then you need to keep looking. There's no harm in a woman dating. It's the best way to learn about yourself, and other people. It's a great way to share your faith and what you believe. If you choose to date, you need to be sure that the men you date understand what you mean by the word. When I met my husband, I wasn't a Christian. He told me plainly, "We can go out on dates, we can hang out, we can do whatever. But I am a Christian and that's very important to me." He made it absolutely clear to me that we were not in a dating relationship. That's the key. If you go out on a date, you have no obligation whatsoever to continue dating that person if it doesn't work out. If you are a man and you are reading this, take note. A woman will respect you greatly if you lead the relationship. God calls you to be the leader. Live up to it! Don't make a woman guess as to whether or not you are truly involved with each other. Talk to her and find out where she feels the two of you are headed. Make sure you take the step and ask her to be your girlfriend, if that's the road you wish to travel. Make those distinctions clear, so that there is no question. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands that they should treat their wives with respect as the weaker partner. How does the person you're dating treat you? If he isn't kind, gentle, and fair; would you want to live the rest of your life in subjection to him? Remember that a dating relationship is the opportunity you have to decide if you will spend the rest of your life with that person. Once you are married, you have made your decision. Since the husband is the head of the household, it is our job as wives to obey him and submit to his authority. Failing to do this will be of no benefit to us. All too often we hear the term "ball and chain" in reference to the wife. Solomon had a different way of putting it. What do Proverbs 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, and 27:15 all have in common? They talk about what it is like to be with a quarrelsome (or contentious) wife. Do we really want our husbands to describe us as such? It is commanded by God that wives are to submit to their husbands. If you do not, Romans 8:7 says that you are guilty of having a sinful mind that is hostile to God that does not submit to God's law. How do you think God feels when you disrespect your husband? It's like taking the perfect gift he gave you and tossing it back in his face and saying it's not good enough. Many women quote the passage of the noble wife in Proverbs 31:10-31; but do we really want to be this woman? Do we really want to work this hard every day of our lives? If your answer is yes, take a close look at what God calls noble. You will be a busy woman. Understand that if you strive to have the character of a noble woman, you will make your husband's life a complete joy and blessing. This is of great benefit to you because your husband will do everything in his power to make your life as enjoyable as he can make it. If your desire is to find a godly husband to lead you, start by being a noble woman. Look to gain wisdom in all that you do. Your suitors will respect this. It will also attract them. Solomon describes wisdom as supreme in Proverbs 4:7. He says, "Though it costs all you have, get understanding..." Strive to have your suitors say this of you. As a woman, you have the power to make your life all that you can make it. Marriage is the greatest choice a woman can make for herself, and her husband. If you are honest with yourself about what you are looking for in a husband and keep those things in mind as you date, you truly will make the choice of a lifetime. by Lara Giesbers Click Your ChoiceGo To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Strengthening Your Marriage before it fails! Why do marriages fail? There are perhaps many answers, but one reason stands out as a major cause of marital difficulties. Many couples are not even aware of this threat to the marriage relationship until they are in real difficulty. Indifference is the enemy we have in mind. Think back to the beginning of your own marriage. Your probably did almost everything together. Unfortunately, in many instances this doesn't continue, but instead, something else begins to happen. Something that is not good, but is so subtle that it is difficult to put a finger on it. Each partner becomes involved in his own work, club activities, and other worthwhile causes. You begin to spend more and more time apart. You are simply too busy to talk together and to be together. After a while you find that it doesn't even bother you to be apart so often. Complete indifference now characterizes a once vital and growing relationship. Obviously this is not what God had in mind when He said: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife" (Genesis 2:24). The word "cleave" suggest a close, intimate, cultivated relationship. When flowers are not watered, they die. The same is true of marriages. When husbands and wives become indifferent - when they become dull to each other's minds, spirits and bodies - the marriage is deprived of life-giving water. As a result, it withers. However, husbands and wives do not have to succumb to the devastating effects of indifference. A few simple principles can be applied to prevent indifference from growing to dangerous proportions. Simply being aware of the possibility of indifference is the first step in combating it. Know some of the danger signs, such as becoming too busy to spend time together, communicating less frequently, and having separate goals and activities. A second step is to work together toward common goals. What happens when family members stop working together toward common goals? Husbands and wives begin to go their separate ways. Each becomes self-centered and concerned only with his or her individual interests. When a common objective is pursued with one's partner, there will be interaction. You must look at each other. You must spend time together. You will grow together instead of apart. Thirdly, create more joy experiences. Have you lost the art of enjoying life? Many of us apparently have, since thousands of couples allow their marriages to get in a dull rut. This is unfortunate because there is great potential for the marriage relationship to be one of the most joyful experiences in life. How can you make joy happen in your marriage? One way that joy and vitality can be added to your marriage is so simple, yet so seldom practiced. Sit down with your spouse and list the things you must enjoy doing in life. Then ask yourselves how often you actually do these things. Make an effort to increase these fun things in your life. You will find as you seek for different ways to make each other happy that you will add to the beauty of your marriage and to the pleasure of your life. Another way to strengthen your marriage is to renew it. Sit down together and decide what you do and do not like about your marriage. Make a list of the behaviors you would like to change and those you would like to increase. Agree to eliminate those things that are causing dissatisfaction or distance in your marriage. Put more emphasis on the positive aspects of your relationship by participating more often in activities and behaviors which make each other happy. The result may amaze you. One of the quickest ways that you can improve your marriage relationship is by getting genuinely interested in your spouse. Show a keen interest in your partners work. Encourage each other to talk about situations that are of great concern to you. Ask questions which will let your partner know you are interested in his or her activities. Above all, be an attentive, interested listener. There is no better way to fill a person's need for respect than by being a good listener. You will discover the truth of the Roman poet, Syrus, who said, "We are interested in others when they are interested in us". Last, avoid extreme fragmentation. Our world today is complex. It is fast paced and we are pressured to become involved in many different activities. Occupational, community, and social demands pull us in several different directions at the same time. The result is that we feel pressured. We become terribly busy, too busy to say hello to our neighbor, too busy to spend much time with our marriage partner, and too busy to say, "I love you". The Bible says: "Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband". This is I Corinthians 7:3. It is from the New American Standard Version. Now the apostle was discussing the sexual relationship in this context; yet what is true of this intimate act is equally applicable to all of our needs. When you get so busy you are not enjoying each other, so occupied that you are constantly fatigued and irritable, and so involved that you rarely see each other, there is no way your marriage can be the type of relationship God intended it to be. No relationship in life has more potential for bringing happiness than that between husband and wife. Surely then it would be beneficial to take steps to prevent our marriage from deteriorating into indifference. By practicing the principles already mentioned it is quite likely that your marriage will once again become the vital, growing, and very happy relationship it was intended to be. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Your marriage is sent to an early grave by a series of little digs! Someone has observed that a successful marriage is one where the wife gives the best years of her life to the man who makes them the best years. Someone else has said that a good marriage partner is comparable with a good athlete … he gives most when the going is tough. Couples who have these attitudes in their marriage will certainly succeed. Of course, the best advice cannot help without the cooperation of the people involved. The following suggestions will help to assure success in marriage, if they are practiced. But, like the doctor's medicine, they will, only if they are used. If you want to succeed in marriage, avoid being negative, picky, or critical with your partner. Here is the way some husbands sound: "The pancakes are cold"; or, "the eggs aren't done"; or, "the coffee's too strong"; or, "Why isn't dinner ready"; or, "why don't you clean the house"; or, "why aren't you dressed?". Or the wife begins: "What kept you so late?"; "What is your excuse this time?"; "You never do anything with the family"; "Why can't you be thoughtful like Millie's husband?'. You see, the thing wrong with this approach is that it is totally negative and nobody wins. What is needed, is to convert this into positive action. This is what Christianity is all about. Romans 12:2, says, "And be not conformed to this world, but be you transformed by the renewing of your mind". Sometimes we use the excuse: "I've been this way all my life, it's just my nature." But, the fact is, we can change if it means enough to us. Another factor that always gets results is courtesy. Learn to extend common courtesies to each other. Just as love is the foundation of a happy marriage, so good manners are the walls and the roof. Before you married that sweet young lady, you complimented her looks; you took her out to dinner, you occasionally brought her candy and flowers; you just may have even opened the car door for her. Who gave you the idea these things are only for lovers before marriage? They work afterwards, too. You gals, work on making this easy for the husband. Take pride in your physical appearance. You did have a figure with honorable dimensions when you married him. Do, within reason, whatever is necessary to maintain your figure. Keep a tidy home - don't be a sloppy housekeeper. One wife speaking in defense of her bad housekeeping habits said" "Well, I get so far ahead in my washing." The husband replied: "No, you don't get ahead in your washing, you just get behind in your ironing." It does make a difference how you look at it. The New Testament admonishes wives to be "workers at home". (Titus 2:5). Thus, it is necessary to be a good homemaker. Do something extra special at times. Put those hot meals on the table. The person who said: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach", made a very wise observation, but he didn't have pot pies and T.V. dinners in mind. By all means, don't criticize or ridicule each other in front of friends. Laugh with each other, but never at each other. To downgrade in the presence of friends is most humiliating and destructive. Another thing to avoid is suspicion and distrust. Always plan to conduct yourself so that mutual trust is a normal pattern. Never deliberately do or say anything that would give your mate reason to question your loyalty. This will keep the destructive qualities of fear or jealousy from rearing their ugly heads. Marriages have often been dissolved because of unjustified fears or distrust. The Bible reads: "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but fornicators and adulterers God will judge". (Hebrews 13:4) This final thought: Capitalize on the Law of Human Returns. Jesus said: "Give and it shall be given unto you." He ended by saying: "for the measure you give will be the measure you get." This is Luke 6:38, quoted from the Revised Standard Version. My attitude should be: "What can I give to this marriage to make it fully satisfying for my partner? Not ... what will I receive?" Dr. Harold Hazlelip made this statement in a lecture on the home. He said, "I have chosen whom I please and I shall spend the rest of my life pleasing whom I have chosen." Isn't that a marvelous attitude! I made my choice at the time of marriage. Now my task is to spend my life pleasing the one I have chosen. Isn't this what the apostle is saying in Ephesians 5:33, when he writes: "Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." If you apply these ideas to your marriage, I can assure you they will do a lot of good. Click Your Choice Back to START The Bible & 8 Basic Causes of Divorce There are more than 30 million happy couples in America, more than 60 million people in the United States happily married. But oh, the tragedy of the other 25 per cent. Why do we have to have broken homes? Although there are many reasons, let's take a look at 8 of the most prominent causes of divorce. Identifying the major causes of divorce will prevent us from falling into these areas. The Bible says, "God hates divorce" (Mal.2:16). The first is money: The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. (I Timothy 6:10) Just two verses earlier, we also read, "Having food and raiment, let us be therewith content". Paul warns that uncontrolled desire for money will lead to a temptation, a snare and into many and foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition, and pierce themselves through with many sorrows. And then he warns, "Oh man of God, flee these things" I Timothy 6:11. Money is the number one cause of broken homes. Second is alcohol: There is a popular sign that reads: Alcohol Destroys Internally, Externally, and Eternally. Joan became a Christian believing she could lead her husband Joe, who was an alcoholic, and her daughter Julia to Christ. Joe did become a Christian within a few months and their daughter followed in their footsteps. But Joe didn't hold out. Within two years he was sentenced to the Penitentiary, and served 18 months. The preacher was the best friend they had, one in whom they could confide, and one who would not give up. Joe eventually re-dedicated his life to Christ. Julia graduated with honors from a private religious school, and is now engaged in a most successful career in social work. This is an actual story, of course the names have been changed for obvious reasons. Third is sexual problems: The sex pendulum is swung from one extreme to the other. We talk as freely of sex as we talk of politics. Improper attitudes about sex, and not physical causes, bring couples to the breaking point. Both those who regard sex as being acceptable outside of marriage, as well as those who think of sex as dirty and wrong within marriage, are equally guilty of maintaining attitudes which are destined to cause serious trouble to any family relationship. Fourth is immaturity: Married life is for adults, not for children. Immaturity is the fourth leading cause of broken homes. There is an age when we are not sure about anything. A toy may be ever so much fun one day, and discarded the next. Much of this same uncertainty goes with the person through adolescence with regard to marriage. Fifth is jealousy: One who demands exclusive devotion, and is intolerant of rivalry usually feels inadequate. If one finds himself caught in the clutches of this weakness, he needs to concentrate on self-improvement. Sixth is the "Hollywood myth": It's based on the artificial and often unrealistic picture of love and life as depicted by many motion picture films. Two children were talking, one said to the other, "How do you like your new daddy?". The other replied "fine". Whereupon the first said, "That's good, we had him last year". The kind of loose thinking which is the basis for such stories, is a prime ingredient in many needless cases of divorce. Seventh is in-law's: "Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife. And they shall be one flesh." These are God's words in Genesis Chapter 2, verse 24. Every couple should establish their own home away from parents. Should this not remove the interference then move so far away that contact with in-laws is limited. Problems will arise, differences will sometime seem impossible. But divorce is not the answer. Except in very rare cases. Eighth is irresponsibility: When a young man is irresponsible and unwilling to work before marriage, the chances are extremely good that he'll continue the same pattern of behavior after marriage. In the same way the young lady who has shown no sense of personal responsibility before marriage will likely also be unwilling to do her part in containing the home after marriage. If you're planning to marry such a person, with the expectation of changing him or her, it is very likely that you're in for a sad disappointment. Regardless of how sincerely one may promise to change after marriage, it is very unlikely that such a person will suddenly alter the habits of a lifetime. The best way to avoid divorce then, is by avoiding the situations that lead to it. (Read Matthew 19:9) This passage teaches ONLY one lawful reason for divorce and remarry. The other causes of divorce discussed are not valid and justifiable according to God. If anyone divorces for any other reason and marries another they would be living in adultery. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Click to View Marriage: Creating A Family Unit Genesis 2:18-24 I. CREATING A MARRIAGE: A. LEAVE FATHER AND MOTHER: GEN 2:24 1. OT meaning: forsake, leave destitute, refuse 2. NT meaning: to leave behind: a) a place 6x: Heb 11:27, parents 3x: Mt 19:5, something behind 8x: Acts 2:31 B. CLEAVE TO WIFE/HUSBAND: GEN 2:24 1. OT meaning: adhere, be joined, follow close a) dirt clods: Job 38:38, Israel to nations: Josh 23:8-12, sword to fugitives Jer 42:16 2. NT meaning: a) Kallao to unite, join firmly: I Cor 6:16 b) Proskallao: to stick to; one's wife Mt 19:5; to a leader Acts 5:36 c) sunzugos: to yoke together; man & wife Mt 19:5; team of oxen: Lk 14:19 C. TWO BECOME ONE FLESH: GEN 2:24 1. OT meaning Only used in Gen 2:24 2. NT meaning: a) Mt 19:6 yoked through cleaving, permanent relationship b) 1 Cor 6:16 non-covenanted relationship, not permanent or marriage (1) Here, one flesh is not equivalent to marriage but rather the sexual union c) One flesh does not denote some undividable thing like sperm and egg D. MUST BE MUTUAL AGREEMENT OR COVENANT: 1. Married by agreement or Covenant: Prov 2:17; Mal 2:14; Gen 24:51-58 2. Both must agree to specific terms: a) Relationship is permanent: Mt 19:6; Rom 7:1-3 b) Sexual monogamy in marriage: Prov 5:15-23 E. COMPLIANCE WITH LAW & CUSTOM: (THE ONLY VARIABLE) 1. Civil law: Rom 13:1-4; 1 Pe 2:13-15 (Marriage is provincial & state jurisdiction, not national) a) Most require a government ordained official to oversee legal paperwork b) In Florida, anyone can perform the marriage, even foreigners! c) Historically, many cultures have had no civil law regulating marriage 2. Social custom: 2 Cor 8:21 Every society and culture in history has had some social custom a) We have a "wedding" which has a broad range of variation within itself b) former US southern slave culture: couple must jump over the broom stick c) ancient Jewish custom of betrothal d) Isaac and Rebecca: Gen 24:63-67 mother's tent e) Gen 37:2 Judah took her 3. Marriages may be arranged by parents II. HOW A MARRIAGE IS NOT FORMED: A. MERE SEXUAL CONTACT (FORNICATION): 1. Requires agreement and commitment 2. 1 Cor 6:16 3. Gen 34:1-7,13,31 esp v4 B. LIVING COMMON LAW: (PROTRACTED FORNICATION) 1. Requires agreement and legal sanction 2. Jn 4:16-19 "The man you now have is not your husband" 3. Most governments consider couple married after 3 years in regard to property ownership a) They are still not married because they have never agreed by covenant to marry! C. MERELY BECAUSE CIVIL AUTHORITY PROCLAIMS THE TWO "MAN AND WIFE"! 1. Mk 6:17-20 Herod had married her, but John said, "it is not lawful for you to have her" III. THREE PURPOSES OF MARRIAGE: A. COMPANIONSHIP AND HELPER: 1. Gen 2:19 It is not good for the man to be alone 2. Prov 2:17 leaves the companion of her youth...forgets the covenant of her God 3. Mal 2:14 wife of your youth...your companion and wife by covenant B. PROCREATION: 1. Gen 1:28 Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth C. SEXUAL FULFILLMENT: 1. Because of immoralities, let each man/woman have own wife/husband: 1 Cor 7:1-2 2. Heb 13:4 Adulterers and fornicators God will judge but the marriage bed is undefiled: a) Any sexual activity outside of marriage is sin b) Any sexual activity within marriage is undefiled IV. CONCLUSION: A. Prov 18:22 B. Eccl 9:9 Steve Rudd Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Click to View Marriage Self-Evaluation Test at Home for Husbands and Wives! Click to ViewProblem Check List For Wives Click to ViewSelf-Evaluation Sheet For Wives Click to ViewProblem Check List For Husbands Click to ViewSelf-Evaluation Sheet For Husbands Print two copies of these 4 evaluations and answer both sets together, then compare results! Most answers are yes and no! Click to View Problem Check List For Wives Answer yes or no beside each question, then note the answers that apply to your marriage. Is the Lord really first in your life? Are nagging, bickering or picking general occurrences at your home? Are you in subjection to your husband? Do you place him in the position of leadership? Are you a happy person? Do you take life, generally, without complaint? Are you a positive, affirming person? Are you a forgiving person? Do you often interrupt your husband when he is talking or telling a story? Do you put your husband down in public? In private? Do you have reasonable control of your weight? Are you sexually responsive to your husband at least 95% of the time? How do you handle problems and pressure? Do you remain indecisive or blame others when things go wrong? Do you call your husband any ugly names? (Any name he does not like is ugly.) Do you have any resentments against your husband (because he is "fat," "late," ill-mannered, uneducated, etc.)? Is your house reasonably organized and clean? How do you feel about housework? Do you do it willingly? Are you too "fussy" about how the house looks? Are you extravagant when it comes to spending money? How is your credit? Are you inclined to buy things on impulse, then have trouble paying your bills? What is your social life like? Do you find yourself spending most of your spare time with your family and friends and very little with your husband's family and friends? Would you prefer to watch TV rather than talk with your husband? Do you spend at least one-half of your leisure time together? Do you ask which film or TV program he would like to see and then somehow you end up seeing the one you prefer? Do you treat his mother (or yours) with disrespect? Are in-laws allowed to interfere or set policies for yout family? How is your sense of humor? Do you laugh easily--even at yourself? Has your husband caught you in little lies which you have tried to wriggle out of? When you are wrong, do you find it hard to admit? Do your prime interests in life center around things more than people? Have you thought about who you are and what you will be like in twenty-five years? Click to View Self-Evaluation Sheet For Wives Answer yes or no beside each question, then note the answers that apply to your marriage. Is your husband a better man for marrying you? Do you store up grudges or resentments? Do you resent the submissive role God has selected for you? Is your house generally attractive and in order? Are you "more than pleasingly plump" when you stand on the bathroom scales? Are you dressing as he would wish you to? Do you dress "your" age? Are you keeping up-to-date with his interests? Can you carry your end of a good conversation on current world events? What about church and Biblical conversation? Do you have a daily time for Bible study and prayer? Are you taking care of your body, "God's temple"? Do you try to be creative in your approach to every-day problems? Are you allowing God to effect change in your husband or do you consider that your task? Do you serve meals that have some variety and attractiveness? Are you childish? Want your own way? Pouting or making a fuss over trifles? Are you fun and enjoyable to be around? Do you have any bad habits your husband wants you to change? Write the major one right here. Write the exact date and time you are going to change. What are you going to do if you "slip up'' (How are you going to get back on track?) Click to View Problem Checklist For Husbands Answer yes or no beside each question, then note the answers that apply to your marriage. HUSBAND Do you remain indecisive or blame others when things go wrong? Do you believe women are inferior to men and cannot possibly make important decisions? Do you call your wife ugly names? (Any name she does not like is ugly.) Do you find it hard to say "I love you" (and mean it) every day? Are nagging or bickering general occurrences in your home? Do you have any resentments against your, wife or children (because she is "fat," "late," ill-mannered, uneducated, etc.)? Do you kiss your wife every morning before leaving for work? CHILDREN Do children annoy you? Do you feel a father should have a lesser part in the rearing of children? Are your children ill-mannered, beyond reason? HOUSEWORK Do you think housework is beneath your dignity? Do you refuse to help around the house to any significant degree? MONEY Are you stingy when it comes to spending money on your wife, but somewhat liberal with yourself? Is it hard or impossible for you to account for where most of your money goes each month? How is your credit? Are you inclined to buy things on impulse, then have trouble paying your bills?, SOCIAL Do you find yourself spending most of your spare time with your family and friends and very little with your wife's? LEISURE Do you ask which film or TV program she would like to see and then somehow end up seeing the one you prefer? Would you prefer to watch TV than talk with your wife? AUTO How do you handle the car when you are in a bad mood? Do you drive like crazy when you are "ticked off" (a real symptom of immaturity)? RELATIVES Do you treat her mother (or yours) with disrespect? Are in-laws allowed to interfere or set policies for your family? HUMOR How is your sense of humor? Do you see something funny only at the expense of others? CHARACTER Has your wife caught you in little lies which you have tried to wriggle out of? If you are wrong, do you find it hard to admit? PURPOSE Do your prime interests in life center around things more than people? Do you make it a point to spend some time introspectively concerning your purpose in life: Who am I? Why am I here? Where will I be in 20 years? SEX Do you often kiss your wife on the lips and mean it without it leading to the bedroom? Click to View Self-Evaluation Sheet For Husbands Answer yes or no beside each question, then note the answers that apply to your marriage. Do you lose your temper or explode when discussing differences? Do you help with the children and last-minute house details when it is important to be on time? Do you have a regular time for Bible study and prayer Do you plan for your children to have some form of devotional regularly in the home? Do you plan for your family to attend church regularly? Is your wife a better woman for marrying you? Are you assuming the leadership of your home or demanding it? Are you taking good care of "God's temple'' (your body)? Are you grossly overweight? Do you stay "tuned in" to your wife? Do you really listen to her? Are you childish and want your way, pouting and/or fussing over trifles? Are you fun and enjoyable to be around? Do you have bad habits your wife wants you to change? Write the major one right here. Write the exact date and time you are going to change. What are you going to do if you "slip up'' (How are you going to get back on track?) Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA The Bible kind of Love! It is impossible to discuss love in one little article. Volumes of books have been written about love, and I only want to add a few thoughts in relationship with love in the family situation. Turn and read the great love chapter of the Bible I Corinthians 13. Remember, as you read-that Paul does not tell what love is, but rather what love does. Read 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 One of the fundamental thoughts that we can derive from these series of verses is that when we love someone we are concerned about them and their welfare. What about love in the family between husband and wife, and parents and children? There is much difficulty today because we do not understand what love is. We usually have a very immature concept of love. Some believe that love is a mysterious something that takes hold of you just like taking the measles. Others say or feel that it may go just as quickly as it came. But love is more than just a tingling sensation that runs up and down your spine. We have done grave injustice to the beauty of the idea of love by using it to mean any and everything. We have changed the spelling to "l-u-v" and even talk about the love bug, as though it were some kind of insect that bites us. Now, what is love, or better still what does love do or cause us to do. When you love someone, you are concerned about them. Not just what they can do for you, but their feelings. You love them, you are concerned about their health, their future, their emotions, their feelings and their desires. Love then has many faces. Love means that you will constantly think about ways that you can help your mate, refresh them, and be kind with them. You will be concerned about not only what you say, but HOW you say things. Love also means that you enjoy being with that person. It is hard to be genuinely concerned if you do not enjoy being with that particular person or you are constantly placing everything else before your physical association with them. Love means spending your time with this one you love. Love means that you will want to be involved in common interests. Love means that you will not always want them to be involved in what YOU like, but you will be interested in doing things that they enjoy. Going together and being together in a pleasant mood is love. If you do not make a genuine effort to develop things in which both of you have interest and enjoyment, then as husband and wife you will soon become just "roommates". Love means that you share common goals. Where are WE headed? Am I aware of my spouses desires? Is it just MY goal, or is it OUR goal? In this way you work together toward a mutually approved objective. Love means that there is a physical attraction. There is to be enjoyment of each others bodies - fulfilling the physical needs with which we were created. Too often, this is the equating of love - the physical sex relationship. Touching, holding, caressing, and desiring to know the security of the fact that your spouse cares - is a means of loving and being loved. If the only time that we display any interest in our spouse is when we desire a sexual relationship, our mates soon get the idea that the only thing that you thing love is - is sex. We were created male and female, and the Lord said, "it is good", when this part of his creation was completed. This relationship is not THE most important part of marriage, but is is an integral part that must not be neglected or overlooked. We should concern ourselves with the satisfaction of our spouse. Volumes have been written, millions of words have been spoken and hundreds of songs written about love. It seems to be one of the greatest motivating emotions known to man. What is love? We really do not know. We know what love does and does not do. However, when you love someone, you are genuinely concerned about them and their welfare. In this way you are sharing yourself with them. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Is Birth Control Sinful? The sexual desire was created by God, and it is good. However, like every good thing, it must be kept in its proper place. Marriage is the only proper place for sexual relations, and if they take place outside of the marriage, they are sinful. In this connection, please also study the message titled "Sex Before Marriage". We will find the answer to the birth control question when we find from the Bible the purposes of sexual relations in marriage. Soon after God had created Adam, God said, "it is not good that man should be alone, I will make a helper fit for him". Or, in other words, God saw that Adam needed a helper to be a more complete person. (Genesis 2:18). The notion that the bearing of children is the only God-given purpose for marital relations is wrong. The Bible stresses the true purpose; that God made man and woman to complete one another and to fulfill each other's needs. The following reading from the New Testament, I Corinthians 7:2-5, summarizes these teachings. "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; and likewise, also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud you not one the other, except it be with the consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and in prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you because of you lack of self control." This passage very clearly teaches that the purpose of sexual relations is to fulfill the natural biological urge and thereby avoid fornication. Thus, the doctrine that the only God-given purpose for marital relations is for the purpose of having children is wrong. Opposition to birth control is based on this false assumption. Many good people who have misunderstood the teaching of the Bible on this point, have mistakenly assumed that Genesis 1:28 applies to Christians today, when it says, "Be you fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it." This, however, was, obviously, a command given to Adam and Eve, not to all mankind today. Not every command given to every individual in the Bible applies today; we are not to build an ark because Noah did, neither are we to stone adulterers because the Jews did. No Old Testament command applies today, because the Old Testament was fulfilled and replaced by the New Testament at the death of Christ. Study Romans 7:6; Galatians 3:23-25; Hebrews 9:15-17. Those against birth control say that since the bearing of children is the only God give purpose for marital relations, it is a sin to have such sexual relations while purposely avoiding the possibility of bearing children by using birth control. God plainly teaches, in the passages mentioned, that husband and wife should fulfill one another's sexual needs. This necessitates regular marital relations. God has-given us the good sense to know how to accomplish this without necessarily having children. If some precautions are not taken, a couple will normally produce about one child a year. Too many children creates other problems about which the Bible speaks. The Apostle Paul says in I Timothy 5:8, "If a man provide not for those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel." There are two ways a man could fail to provide for his own. One would be not to work. The other would be to generate so many children that he could not provide for their needs. If we insist that couples neither deny themselves sexually nor take precautions against conception, but simultaneously insist that the children be supported, we are (for most couples) insisting both on an impossibility and upon a contradiction of plain Bible teaching. The only alternatives the opponents of birth control give mankind is either abstinence, with its pressures toward fornication, or 20 to 25 children for the average couple. The Bible denies both of these. It is sad that many people have been caused to suffer because of an arbitrary religious conclusion that does not reflect the teaching of the Word of God. This should be an encouragement to each of us to study the Bible for ourselves; this is how God has always intended that His word be studied. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Divorce, Remarriage and the Bible Since marriage is a condition of life that nine out of ten people enter, we should know what Jesus teaches on marriage. Since the teaching on this is very specific it indicates that Jesus regarded it as highly important. The number of divorces is increasing in our society and since the majority of divorced persons do remarry, it is also important that Christian people know the teaching of the scriptures concerning divorce and remarriage. Again, since our society is made up of so many divorced people who will eventually remarry, young people should be alerted to the problem by their parents and teachers so they will know how to face it in a Christian way before they allow themselves to become so emotionally involved that it will be difficult for them to face the problem intelligently. The teachings of Jesus on this subject may be found in Matthew 5:31,32, and Matthew 19:3-9. These passages should be carefully read in connection with this discussion. Jesus went back to the beginning and based marriage on God's original intention in creation. God created man, male and female, and stated that man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, and the two should become one flesh. Marriage is the permanent union of man and woman as husband and wife, as long as they both shall live upon the earth. It is not merely a physical connection, but a spiritual companionship in which each seeks to promote the other's highest well being through mutual forbearance and love and prayer. Each seeks the other's highest well-being, rather than his own. Considered as a contract, marriage is an agreement of man and woman to live together as husband and wife. There is, however, a difference between the marriage contract and all other human contracts. The terms of this contract are not to be drawn up by contracting parties as in a business. The terms of the marriage contract have been drawn up by God, who is the creator of man and the author of the institution of marriage. This being true, those entering the marriage relationship should realize that they are obligated to accept the contractual terms as God, himself, has announced them. This contract, therefore, is one that God has arranged and it cannot be dissolved merely by the will of either one or the will of both parties to the contract. Not even a decree from the state can release the Christian from his obligation to do the Lord's will. This means that marriage is so permanent and so highly serious that all persons entering it should do so soberly, advisedly, after careful thought and consideration, and in the fear of God. Both husband and wife rest under the obligation of learning what their respective duties and responsibilities are, as these duties and responsibilities are revealed in the New Testament. It is only as they accept these duties and responsibilities seriously and seek to fulfill them to the best of their ability that they can attain the highest happiness in marriage and build the most successful home. It is because God intended marriage to be permanent that divorce becomes such a serious problem. Even though one of the contracting parties never remarries, he must still face the responsibility involved in separating from his partner and failing to fulfill his marriage vows. But the question arises, "Is it ever right for one of the marriage partners to divorce the other and to remarry?". The teachings of Jesus on this point is clear. "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery. And whosoever marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." (Matthew 19:9). A careful examination of this passage indicates a number of things. First, adultery must be the actual cause for the putting away, or separation. Sometimes husband and wife separate and adultery results from this separation, but it is not the cause. Certainly Jesus would not allow such to be used as the basis for remarriage. Where adultery occurs as a result of neglect to fulfill one's marriage obligation, it can never be used for the grounds for remarriage on the part of the person who has not committed adultery. This simply points up again the seriousness with which husband and wife should seek to fulfill all of their marital obligations. In the second place, the adultery claimed as a basis for remarriage on the part of the innocent partner must have occurred without fault on the part of the person claiming the right to remarry. No one who faults in the marriage relationship constituting a contributing cause to the other person's unfaithfulness can claim to be free in such a situation. Another factor that should be considered is this: where adultery has occurred and been forgiven, the forgiving partner should never again present the forgiven offense as the basis for divorce and remarriage. With these exceptions excluded, the teaching of Jesus does allow remarriage of the innocent partner in a marriage broken by adultery. As one reviews the teaching of Jesus on the subject, he becomes aware of the greatest discrepancy between what is considered satisfactory from the point of view of the world and the teaching of Jesus on this subject. Christians should remember they are under obligation to accept the teaching of Christ on all matters and should not accept a compromise between His teaching and the prevailing point of view of society, regardless of who may endorse such a view. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Is Divorce... Really the Answer to my marriage problems? The breakdown of society in the beginning of this last quarter of the twentieth century is nowhere more apparent than in the breakdown of the home and family. In the Communist Manifesto, Carl Marx wrote, "The family will vanish as a matter of course with the vanishing of the capital". The Biblical concepts of the home and family were denied by Marx as being in the best interest of society. And yet it is a fact of Communism's checkered history that easy divorce and sexual promiscuity were once encouraged, but when it was found that the State was in danger and strong family ties were desperately needed, there was a complete change of attitude towards marriage and divorce. We are confident that Soviet leaders are taking fiendish delight in the knowledge that one marriage in every four in America, in some sections, one in three, ends in divorce, and with each divorce, our nation gains momentum on a collision course with disaster. Whereas most of today's problems can be traced to the breakdown of the home, it's likewise true that homes built on the solid foundation of God's word represent the strongest possible bulwark against a rising tide of evil. It's our firm belief that both the spiritual and material welfare of our beloved country is wholly dependent upon faithful Christian homes and upon concerned and consecrated Christian families. Our nation was founded upon Christian principles. Let it be said just here, that divorce is completely contrary to those principles. We live in a dangerous, wide-open, "anything goes" era. A time in which the wife of a President of the United States intimated she'd not be surprised, and we presume not particularly concerned, if her daughter were to have what she described euphemistically "an affair". The Bible uses to word fornication in warning against the sin. It also states unequivocally that fornication is the only ground that God accepts for divorce (Matthew 19:9), and that fornicators shall not inherit the Kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21). Not long ago a woman who has been giving out advice on all manner of situations, including advice to those who were having marital difficulties, admitted in her syndicated column that her own marriage had fallen apart. When pressures begin to build up in marriage, there are all too many who look upon this situation as a sign that the marriage is hopeless and that it must end immediately in divorce. Not so. In his great sermon on the mount, Jesus said, "It hath been said, whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement. But I say unto you that whosoever shall put away his wife saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery, and whosoever shall marry her who is divorced committeth adultery" Matthew 5:31,32. Now the point is this. Divorce, the seemingly easy way out of marital problems, opens the door to even greater difficulties in this life and a far greater consequence, often leads to situations which close the door to the blessings and glory of God's eternal kingdom. In order to make marriage work, it must be recognized by both partners that it is a two-way street. The seventh Chapter of I Corinthians gives a detailed description of the obligations of a husband towards his wife and of a wife toward her husband, with regard to the most intimate relationships in marriage. It would be well for every married man and woman to read carefully the first five verses of the seventh Chapter of I Corinthians. A careful consideration of these matters would do much to save marriages that apparently are in danger of breaking up. But note that the love and consideration advocated by the apostle in regard to these most intimate aspects of marriage hold equally true in all other relationships of marriage. There are definite ways of achieving a happy, successful and rewarding marriage. A smile rather than a scowl. A kind word rather than a reprimand. The exercise of patience rather than petulance. These are requisites of a happy marriage; the staunch foe of divorce. Above all, since trials and troubles are the common lot of us all, there is need for absolute dependence upon God and a determination to follow the Lord Jesus Christ. There is a passage in the Galatian letter, which though not expressly written for the purpose of admonishing men and women about marriage, nevertheless is most appropriate. The apostles inspired words are these, "Let us not be weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap if we faint not" Galatians 6:9. It takes a tremendous amount of well doing to make a marriage work. The alternative is unhappiness here and misery hereafter. Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA Bible Help For Troubled Marriages There is a crisis in the American home now. The divorce rate is soaring out of sight. Many of these families could have been saved if they had known what to do to help their marriage. Often advice that is given is too general and broad and lacks being plain and practical. You have called because you want help to relieve some of the pressures in your home. Let me make some very practical suggestions. First, start with your self. What are you willing to do to help your marriage? Write down, and I mean literally write down the things that you could do that would make your spouse happy. Then start doing as many of these things as possible, even though you may be compromising some of your supposed positions. Stubbornness is one of the biggest problems we have to overcome in saving marriages. Second, make a list of the things that your spouse does that upsets you, and be honest with your list. You may find that many of these little things are exactly that - little things. As you review the list, decide how many of them are really worth all of the heart aches that you are now experiencing. Third, take a very positive attitude that something can be worked out, not miraculously, or even overnight, but slowly and deliberately. It will not help if you begin to work on the problem while you are continually reminding your inner self that it is hopeless and that it will not work. This will only keep you from giving of yourself to the overall solution. Fourth, talk with your spouse. Before you start this conversation, you would do well to sit in front of a mirror and practice what you are going to say and how-it will sound. Spend a lot of time on this because it is important. If you just think of what you are going to say without practicing it, then it might not come out just the way you had planned. It is very important to try to plan a place and time that is convenient to both of you and then begin the conversation as graciously as possible. Your words will flow rather easily if you have practiced them well. Not all marriage problems can be eliminated this easily by the four steps that I have outlined but it will help tremendously. Remember to start with yourself and be willing to go the second mile, as the Lord teaches. A great passage of scripture is Matthew 7:12 that would be very helpful in restoring happiness. "Therefore all things whatsoever you would that men should do unto you, do you even so to them. . .". We have condensed this to the Golden Rule - "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". My recommendation is this - try to be nicer to your spouse than they are to you. As you do this you are doing all that you can to make yours a happy home. Another verse of scripture you need to use is Ephesians 4:32, "And be you kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another . . .". Are you a kind person not only in what you say, but in the HOW you say it? Can you show tender heartedness, compassion and concern for your spouse? Are you willing to forgive and not continually bring up mistakes of the past? These are all taught in a true, genuine application of Ephesians 4:32. It is not easy to do, but if you will genuinely practice this verse, it will help. But let us suppose that these things are not successful in bringing about a happy relationship, what can you do then? Remember that we are talking about what YOU can do. Be sure to rule out physical health problems that might be causing the difficulties or causing you to be difficult to live with. Do not be afraid to go to your physician and describe your symptoms and have a good physical. Before you go, be sure to write down the things that are bothering you and talk to him very frankly about the situation. Then follow his advice. If there is nothing physically wrong, you may want to go to your minister and ask for assistance. If he does not have the expertise to help, he will probably know another minister who can make some recommendations. In fact, you may even feel better by just having someone to listen to you. If you do go to him, be sure to take his advice. You may not want to approach your minister because of the intimacy of the problem. I do not always recommend telling friends and asking advice, because it will be difficult for their, to remain objective. Seek out a professional marriage and family counselor. These should be professionally trained and should be sanctioned either by the American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, or your physician, who is in a position to know about them. The Family and Children's Service is found in many cities and is generally staffed by competent personnel and is supported by the United Givers Funds. When you do seek help, do not hesitate to ask something about the qualifications and the training of the counselor if you are not acquainted with them, or if you do not have confidence in the one who made the referral. The success rate for those who seek counseling is high. When you go to someone and say, "help me, I am willing to follow your directions", you are going to be taking a major step. Even if your spouse will not go, YOU should go on by yourself. There is so much that can be done even when you deal with only -one person. As you look at your marriage, take your Bible and read again the directions of Paul in Ephesians 5:22-31 and then answer these questions: Do I really love my spouse like Christ loved the Church? Do I love them as much as I love my own self? Do I love them as much as I love my own body? If the answer is NO, start changing here, and you can have a better marriage. Click Your Choice Back to START In-Law Trouble & the Bible Marriage is the closest, and should be the happiest relationship we know in this life. As Jesus says in. Matthew 19:9, and elsewhere, it is also a relationship that should never be broken except for the extreme disloyalty of fornication. Yet in spite of the closeness of the marriage tie, about one out of every three marriages in our country break up, and a very frequent cause of divorce is the interference of parents or other close relatives interference of which the parents themselves are often unconscious. The reason for this is easy to understand. Family relationships developed over many years ideally are very close and very enduring. Parents by nature love their children. They guide, teach, discipline them, and help form their sense of values, their way of thinking and acting. In a sense, they come to idealize their own children in comparison with those from other homes, who may not have the same sense of values and may not think and act in exactly the same way. Children also by nature love and admire their parents. Over the years, they begin to think and act much as they do, and to have the same sense of values. But when two young people marry, they bring into the new home the cultures from two different families, whose sense of values and ways of thinking and acting may be quite different. In such case, it is easy for the parents of the groom to feel that his bride does not quite meet the standards they had expected in a wife for their son. It is just as easy for the parents of the bride to feel that the young man is not all they had wanted in a husband for their daughter. Furthermore, the young couple who are establishing a new home feel that they have a right to manage it in their own way. But since they come from different family backgrounds, if they are sensitive it is easy for the young wife to feel that her husband's parents interfere with them too much, and for the husband to feel the same way about his wife's parents. Ann Landers has said that "80 per cent of the letters I receive pertaining to in-law problems are complaints against the mother-in-law. And 80 per cent of the mother-in-law beefs are against the husband's mother - not the wife's". Evidently the complaints Mrs. Landers receives are from the young wives, who seem to be more sensitive then their husbands about parental interference. They also identify the husband's mother as the chief trouble maker. Whether such complaints are actually justified or not, they at least breed resentment in the young wives and may start dissension's between them and their husbands. What then is the solution for this conflict of relationships - a conflict which arises from the natural affection of parents for their children and of children for their parents? Jesus himself suggests the solution when, in Matthew 19:4-6, he quotes God's intention when he established the institution of marriage and the home. "Have you not read," he said, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9. God's statement places the primary responsibility on the young couple to see that their love and their commitments to each other are always above the commitment to their parents, no matter how deep the family ties may have been. - The term "leave" father and mother, however, does not mean a complete break or abandonment. Instead, Jesus in Mark 7:10-13 states plainly that children are to honor their parents and, when necessary, even support them financially. The establishment of a new home does not release them from this obligation. But the term does mean that the intimate relations which have formerly existed between parents and children must and should change when the children marry. This change places new obligations on both the parents and the children. Naturally, the young couple want to be independent and manage their own home. But they need also to recognize that their parents have a deep interest in them and want to help them to be happy. They might also remember that these parents have had many more years of experience than they have had and might be of help in solving some of their problems. What they may at times consider as criticism or interference in their affairs, they might consider as a perhaps unwise desire of their parents to help them. If there is a difference in point of view, they might be patient and try with love and kindness to win their parents to their view; or, surprisingly, they might see their parents' view the wiser. On the other hand, though parents still have a deep love for their children and want to help them, they should realize that the young couple now have a right to be independent and to work out their own problems. Even though they think the youngsters are making mistakes in managing their home, their children, or their finances, they should be extremely tactful and kind in making suggestions or in giving unasked advice. They should not expect them to do everything exactly as they themselves would do. They should by all means not impose their own views on their children. (I Corinthians 13 (not insist own way). The relationship between parents and the new home should no longer be one of expected obedience, but of warm cooperation, in which each respect the independence and ideas of the other. There cannot be the same closeness of association, the same amount of attention parents have formerly enjoyed, for their children now have other responsibilities which must claim their time and attention. But if both parents and children are Christians, and try to exercise the love and compassion, the kindness and understanding which Jesus always showed for others, there should be no in-law trouble, but both the new and the parental homes will have a mutually happy relationship. Click Your Choice Back to START The Sexes: Equal But Different! 19 basic differences between the sexes Right down to every last gene the sexes are unique: (XX,XY chromosome) Male and female as separate acts of creation! Studies have proven that differences are neurological and genetic in origin and are highly resistant to change by the influences of culture. Men and women are the same the world over! Socializing: Whether tennis or cards: women often use the event as an excuse for fellowship and pleasant conversation. For men, the name of the game is conquest. A man's world is focused outside the home in work and recreation. A women's world is strongly focused within the home and on family. Self-esteem: Men develop the evidence of their worthiness primarily from their jobs, being respected in business, profession or craft. Women, and especially homemakers, depend primarily on the romantic relationship with their husbands for ego support. This explains why the emotional content of a marriage is usually more important to women and why the little tokens of affection are appreciated more by wives, who obtain esteem from these expressions of love and generosity. Women need continual reassurance from their husband that they are loved, needed and valued. Because men do not need this kind of reassurance from their wives, they often fail to see their wife's need for it and neglect to give it. The wife then develops a feeling of being "unloved and unvalued", which the husband will assure is unfounded. Women tend to remember anniversary dates and birthdays. Men tend to remember dates like when the mortgage payment is due and feel their wife gets "overly upset" if they forget the anniversary. Mothers become emotionally attached to their children prior to birth by the virtue of carrying the child in her body. Men do not become emotionally bonded to the child for several months after the birth when the infant begins to smile, respond and interact with him. Sexual arousal: Men are visually oriented, caring less about the romantic component or personal identity. Men can easily separate love and sex. She is attracted not to a photograph of an unknown model or by a handsome stranger, but to a particular man with whom she has entered into an emotional relationship. Women usually combine love and sex. Men do not have as strong a desire and need for stability, security and enduring relationships as women do. Women experience emotional influences that men do not because of the reproductive capacity: (cycles, pregnancy, lactation, menopause) At a birthday party of five year olds, its not usually the girls who pull hair, throw punches or smear each other with food. The play habits of young girls is almost exclusively in real life domestic situations, playing house, school etc. In contrast, young boy's play is usually in the fantasy world, blasting Martians with a laser gun to save the world. In a time of crisis, women tend to react with reference to their feelings. Men tend not to react with reference to feelings but with deducted thought and reason. God may have placed man as the head of his wife because of this one God-ordained difference between the sexes. In our material society, we place a higher value on the quality of being a "rational calculator" for it is this quality which is necessary for success in business and making money. Yet this quality is of little value for the happiness of the home. So while the man may be better equipped to lead and support the family, it is the woman who is better equipped to keep the family itself happy and emotionally healthy. The sexes are equal, but different. Women are usually credited with possessing "mothers intuition" in regard to not just her children but all personal relationships. She may not be able to explain it, but she has a feeling about the situation that the man does not. She is usually right! Yet while she may be single-handedly responsible for sensing the situation, the man can usually chose the most appropriate course of action. Husbands and wives have qualities the other does not. Each has qualities the other needs. The two are one flesh, a unit, incomplete without the other. Society places much greater value on the masculine qualities. This has driven many women to feel "unfulfilled" in the home environment. Many women, being influenced by society and the images of TV, do not feel valued unless they are working outside the home for money. They would feel ashamed to be "just a housewife". This is very sad indeed. School: Boys tend to excel girls in math and science subjects. Girls tend to excel boys in English and arts subjects. Women possess a strong "maternal instinct" that men do not. Click Your Choice Do I love thee? Let Me Count The 3 Ways! When someone says "I love you" it could mean many different things. Here are three different kinds of love. First kind of love: The "IF kind of love" says, "I will love you IF you do things my way, IF you give me gifts, IF you become a good provider, IF you get a good report card at school." It is a conditional love based upon future expectations. If these conditions are not met, then like a legal contract, love is broken. This is a selfish love because it is solely based upon future expectations. It is love that must be earned. Most marriages fail because they are based upon this conditional love. Children are often heard saying, "I will be your friend" IF you let me play with your new toy; till then I hate you. Thus the IF kind of love is a fickle unstable love. This is the childish love we are all born with. It is a worldly love of natural instincts. We need to mature out of the IF kind of love! Second kind of love: The "because of" kind of love says, "I will love you BECAUSE you are now young and beautiful, BECAUSE I now desire you, BECAUSE you are now popular, BECAUSE you are now in good health or wealthy, BECAUSE I feel good when I am with you." This kind of love is common among teenagers because it is solely based upon the others current status. The BECAUSE OF kind of love is also doomed to failure in marriage. When someone proclaims, "I have fallen out of love" they have fallen out of the "because of" kind of love, not true love. This kind of love is not in tune with reality when it demands that things stay the same in an ever changing world. Like the If kind of love, it is unstable and fickle. It is full of doubts and fears for what tomorrow might bring. True Love: True love is the "in spite of kind of love". It says, "I love you IN SPITE OF your faults, IN SPITE OF being fat and ugly, IN SPITE OF the times you are selfish and inconsiderate, IN SPITE OF when you sin against me," True love is unconditional. It is the love that God loves us with. It is a love we don't naturally possess but must learn. It is an enduring love that doesn't even keep a score card. It will always be there tomorrow regardless of what we have done today. This is the kind of love that 50th "golden" anniversaries are made of. Romans 5:6-8 says, "For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the very good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Notice the contrast between conditional and unconditional love in this verse. Christ didn't die for us BECAUSE we were very good and worth dying for. Rather He died for us in SPITE OF the fact we were worthless sinners. Oh "to know the love of Christ which surpasses comprehension," Ephesians 3:19. Which kind of love do you love others with? Click Your Choice Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA JESUS: The God Who Forgives! Click to View Forgiveness is the perfume a flower leaves on the heel that crushed it. It is an undeserved grace that one who is sinned against grants the one who sinned against them. The word "grace" means literally in the original Greek "unmerited favor". It is through God's grace, mercy and forgiveness that we have the forgiveness of our sins. Every man has sinned before God, 1 John 8-10 "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us." When Jesus hung on the cross, He being God, showed the perfect example in the attitude we must have in forgiving others. He said, "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Lk 23:34. We take for granted how easily God forgives us while we will not forgive others who sin against us. Yet we are to forgive in the same manner that God forgave us. Stephen was stoned to death only because he was a Christian. His dying words were, "Lord do not hold this sin against them." Acts 7:60. In the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35) A king forgave a servants debt of $10 million dollars. This servant then went out and threw into jail a friend who owed him about $100 dollars. When the king heard of it he said to him, "You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you? And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart." You see, the manner that we dish out forgiveness to others, it will be dished back to us in exactly the same way by God. A man once phoned up a preacher and said, "My wife and I just had an historical argument." The preacher correcting gently corrected, "You mean a hysterical argument don't you?" The man replied, "No historical. She dredged up every mistake I have made in the past 20 years of our marriage and threw them at me in one big lump." You see forgiveness means forgetness! Not that you cannot remember, just that you don't call them to mind. Some husbands say nothing when their wife wrongs them. They just mutter under their breath with a devious smile, "I'll forgive you, but one day, when it is to my personal advantage, you will pay the price." They just quietly set them into the ammunition bunker for some future time when they are needed during some future battle. It is the ace in the hole that keeps coming up time after time. Just imagine if God forgave that way. Clara Barton, the founder of the American Red Cross in 1881 was known as the "angel of the battle field". Once a reporter had slandered her with an unkind lie. Years later, she was asked if she had any bad feelings against that reporter. She replied, "No, I distinctly remember forgetting that." Now that is how God forgives! "put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; putting up with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3:13. Let's not be like a dog who keeps digging up old bones buries long ago. But sometimes we can't forgive ourselves for some terrible thing that we have done. Sometimes even God has forgiven us, but we won't forgive ourselves. Remember Stephen who was stoned just for being a Christian. It was the apostle Paul prior to his conversion to the truth who had him stoned. Paul referred to this in 1 Timothy 1:12 "Jesus put me into service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. And yet I was shown mercy" Yet Paul also said, "but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13. We all make big mistakes. But it is important that we forgive ourselves too! Click to View Go To Start: WWW.BIBLE.CA